Comfort Zone

I keep trying to write today and keep getting stuck.

I finally got caught up at work! Hallelujah! I had to put in some extra hours but it was worth it knowing that tomorrow with the new COA coming by (whatever a COA is... controller I think) I will not be behind and can focus on going to lunch and listening to him say stuff... without worry.

Each day that I am at work I wonder how the grownups in my life ever had time for a life and how I never noticed if they didn't? 

It's so draining to do the same type of work, every single day and yet I am treading water I know I am. I've been treading water for years waiting for the right time to make a move. 

There's too much of impatience in the world though and I have been basically doing the same thing every day, yet I have been learning each day and the role has changed with the years a little at a time. I've had to step out of my comfort zone, a little bit here and there and I have grown so much. It's sometimes hard to believe that I was still unsure of how to properly send and email when I first started, I was that ignorant of the workforce. There have been many times when I have felt that I should be doing better work but then this job has become a security blanket of sorts through the difficulties of my life over the past couple of years.

I have stepped out of my comfort zones but I will crawl right back in if I'm not careful. Like giving speeches for Toastmasters at Adobe... I'm supposed to be writing the next one but I am stuck, I just don't know what the best thing to speak on is so I've got many different speeches started. I want to talk about how I get crazy projects going but there are so many and they are of different varieties. Sometimes I make things sometimes I create things. Sometimes I gather and sometimes I discard. I have bits and pieces of stories written as well. I should pull them all together and make a book of random, disjointed thoughts... think it would sell? Haha

~SG

Getting The Frustration Out

I don't know if you've ever been accused of something that you didn't do and couldn't prove that you didn't do it, I have been, it's dead awful and frustrating.

Here's the deal. I have a strong conscience, I always have, I've never been able to go long without wanting to make things right, fessing up to my mistakes. I hate to have made mistakes, it makes me feel so ashamed and I don't like that feeling, but I do own up to them.

In fact I once inadvertently took home the fork of my friend after a dinner party, then brought it to work intending to give it back to her, time passed and I kept forgetting to give her her fork back. Until one night when we all planned to go out to dinner with our friend (and former manager) who was visiting from San Jose. I suddenly remembered the fork and when my friend came to my desk I gave it back to her, so embarrassed. We all had a good chuckle over it because it was a silly thing to feel guilty about.

So I have a self identity of someone who is generally honest. I value relationships, superficial people drive me nuts so I tend to form deep relationships with a few people. I don't have a lot of time and so this can be a difficult task. So when I invest time into a relationship I really don't like to lose it. Unfortunately I've usually invested in men who I felt a connection with. Opening up, revealing my past mistakes, forming a bond... and then when those relationships ended I was left with gaping holes in my heart.

Looking back I was infatuated with my last husband, we discussed things a bit but he didn't really reveal much about his feelings or his family's life. He talked a lot about fun things he did with his friends. We did things together and for me to get out of the house to go to concerts, visit friends and do things with family, go hiking, go geo-cashing, go snowboarding... and to get out the paints and paint. I loved that, I just loved it. I was so stressed out from school and I just don't know what it was but he calmed me down and I don't know how but I he could make me laugh until my sides hurt and keep laughing. He started to fill in for the kids Dad and didn't say things off the cuff like their Dad used to, he always seemed to think things through. He was my heart, I loved him so much. We had nicknames for each other, he was my best friend.

Then he grew cold. He decided that I had cheated on him and nothing I said, nothing I did could change his mind. I pleaded with him the first time he left but he "just knew I cheated on him" and he wanted me to confess. The empty futility of that tears at my heart. I had nothing to confess, I have nothing to confess. When I decided to get into a relationship with him I had cut ties with every other interested guy. I closed the door on friendships with other men. The biggest fault that I can lay on myself is not being able to stop my ex-husband from interfering in my life. I tried, I was so cold to him, I only talked to him about our kids and somehow he took advantage of that. BUT I wasn't in love with him and didn't want to be with him. My second biggest fault was being too damn busy to give my husband the attention he deserved, in that I just didn't have an alternative but to drop out of school.

I did all I could to prove that I didn't cheat, I took a lie detector test (which was humiliating) and was cleared as telling the truth. 

BUT he had made up his mind and that was that. 

Now I look back and I know that there was nothing I could do. He had grown cold, distant and he wouldn't forgive me for being human. He didn't seem to care when I was bleeding internally from Ulcerative Colitis, he seemed put out that he had to drive me to the doctors when I had spent the night clearing out my intestines for a test, he seemed mad at me when I was sick, unconcerned when I had a bad reaction to cashews, didn't care or worry for me when I was anemic. By the time I was going through these difficult things he had decided that I had cheated on him so he withheld his compassion. He was a big jerk! Damn it. I didn't know why he had flipped the switch from caring to indifferent.

AND I don't need that in my life.

It's just that I had started to dream of this steady life, this bright future, this happy home and I lost that. I now have this home, this new life and new dreams. I have this dual nature where I am moving forward but I am tired of my heart breaking. I recognize the impermanence of life, of relationships and it seems the impermanence of love. Part of me is so sad that I feel cynical towards the idea of finding lasting love. I guess I'm jealous of those who have found someone who will stick it out with them, who have stayed and figured out how to make it work. How to make it fresh again, and who have someone to comfortably be themselves with. I dislike disingenuous people.

Well I've worn myself out, time to eat a banana and get to bed.

SG

Some old thoughts about religion on a Wiki that my friend and I put together several years ago

Thoughts:

Why are humans so compelled to religion? Why do we feel good when hearing about others religious experiences?

Case in point - I attended sacrament meeting today. First was a talk by a lady obsessed with family history and recording personal histories (I can see the validity of this to a point, but it can become an all consuming obsession). It was interesting to hear stories of her pioneer ancestors though I couldn't help but wonder the whole time how human beings get caught up in a psychological battle with themselves about what they believe. About how comforting it is to be a part of a movement, a group that seems to have things all worked out and how it is harder to face the void and meaninglessness of life and persevere making your life's meaning be what you want it to be. I was flipping through facebook on my phone while contemplating this. Then her husband got up to speak. He told of the extreme circumstances that he faced. His wife left him and took his two younger boys. He was left with his older son who developed a serious disease. He was in a car accident. He lost his job. His hair was falling out due to the stress. He turned towards God and while on taking pictures at his brothers temple wedding a woman who came out of the temple radiating happiness came up to him and told him that she felt impressed to tell him that God loved him. I've gotta tell you this story made me tear up. I've been there. I've been so poor that looking for spare change in the house would be pointless since we had scoured it many times. I've been harassed by debt collectors at 5 AM while my husband worked in a different state. I had to get on my knees and ask for guidance and I've found it. I've had encounters with people who seemed like angels to me since they appeared at my lowest states. AND it's hard to turn from believing in that to not believing because there is that something inside that wants to believe. BUT it feels the same way as believing in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy did as a kid. AND a lot more evidence (or lack there of) points to the religion as a fraud... but what a fraud it is.

Ice Breakers Speech for Toastmasters

Yesterday I gave a speech for Toastmasters called "The Icebreaker" project. Toastmasters is an organization that is set up expressly for the purpose of developing speaking and leadership skills. Years ago I joined a different Toastmasters chapter and went with my friends to several of the meetings. I got up a few times to do "Table Topics" which is giving an impromptu speech and that just killed my desire to get up and speak because my mind would blank, my throat would tighten up, I would nearly pass out and basically I would mutter a few things and sit down. That was the wrong approach, I was not confident or organized enough to be a part of Toastmasters back then... but I think I am ready now.

I talked about myself, "The Icebreaker" is an introduction to who you are, the title "Finding My Voice." Basically I discussed how it is difficult for me to give speeches and it has been difficult for everyone in my family to speak up because we all have struggled with some type of illness or another that affects the brain and how it organizes thoughts into speech. My older brother has Autism, a disorder where the brain ineffectively filters out the input from the world, sensory overload, and thus makes expression difficult. My younger brothers (my youngest brother in particular) struggle with ADHD and that too makes expression difficult. I and my younger sister have struggled with Major Depressive Disorder and health problems that have made it difficult to speak up.

This speech was very raw and I made myself very vulnerable by discussing these things, as well as the difficulties that I faced as a young mother striving to get through high school and college. I am pleasantly surprised that I was able to give this speech, in a coherent manner and without fainting. My next speech is set for a couple of weeks out, I'm going to put even more thought into writing this one and practicing.

SG

The times that I need a husband...

Most of the time I can get around life alright, I can get a mechanic out to fix my car, I can hire someone to do things for me around the house (or have a friend come help), there are many things that I need a man to help me with but I need a husband when I am scared and not sure what to do.

I've been dealing with an achy tooth since last Friday. I called for an appointment that afternoon and suffered it out over the weekend. I hate taking medication but I made an exception and took some pain killers reasoning that it was only for a short amount of time and that the dentist would fix it on Monday. Well, I went in on Monday and they took a picture, yippie! Then gave me antibiotics and sent me home with an appointment 2 weeks out. Boo. I don't like antibiotics, they mess up the gut microbiome and cause all sorts of problems. So I wanted to avoid taking them. Well I called the Dentist up and asked him if he would take me sooner, he had me schedule something for the next morning. Yay! I went in, had the procedure (which was extra painful for some reason) and I thought it was surly over, nope! My face stayed swollen all week and Friday I discovered an abscess in my gums. So I ran to the doctor to get a shot of antibiotics (less likely to mess up the gut) and I thought that would help. NOPE So now I'm dealing with this weird abscess thing on the side of my gums and it's getting more and more swollen and like it wants to pop. So I try to pop it myself and what do I end up with? No relief, more pain, and WORRY about what the hell is going on and what I should do about it.

At this point I just want someone to say, "I'm taking you to the doctors and getting this fixed." But I don't have that person, I actually didn't have that person with my ex-husband either but that's a different story. I need someone to be calm when I am scared and to take over when I am not thinking clearly. I don't need helpful (unhelpful) comments from the sidelines, I don't need sympathy, I need help.

I guess I wouldn't necessarily need a husband if I had someone else who could help me all the time but dang it I sure miss the convenience of having a sturdy friend/lover to rely on all the time. :/

This is the kind of situation that makes me very, very lonesome and probably less sensible than I should be... :/

SG

Compassion

com·pas·sion
kəmˈpaSHən/
noun
sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
"the victims should be treated with compassion"
synonyms: pity, sympathy, empathy, fellow feeling, care, concern, solicitude, sensitivity, warmth, love, tenderness, mercy, leniency, tolerance, kindness, humanity, charity
"have you no compassion for a fellow human being?"

To me compassion is a root word. It's definition is encompassing of the many human feelings that make relationships work. Without compassion we have coldness, hardness, intolerance, no mercy, no kindness, no charity.

If we haven't experienced a lot of compassion then we might not understand or be compassionate towards others. We may be intolerant of others faults, especially when we are intolerant of our own faults.

I don't know if reiterating this very human concept is going to solve any of the mysteries of human relationships for me, I do know that as much as I want to be more compassionate towards others I often fall short.

It is the loving look in your eyes, your caress, the way you hold me and kiss me that tell me that you value who I am. My defenses drop when I am offered a taste of what I am missing in my life. I've learned that things are not always simple, that beauty is fleeting and that one moment will change into the next, ultimately we come back to ourselves and we must be compassionate for the quiet soul who resides there.

Workin A Way to Save the Day

I always seem to have a bit of trouble getting back into the swing of things on Monday mornings. I get to work and sometimes I just open up my budget to see if there is any way for me to be free of the obligation to work, looks like I'm stuck for now, so I might as well make the best of it.

It was hard to earn money when I was a kid.

I would ask my parents for chores to earn some and they would hem and haw, parents didn't really like to pay out. 

So I took some initiative, messes under the stairs? $5 bucks! Kitchen floor needs mopping? $2 dollars!

Eventually the money train would run out and I would be left without an income. 

So I turned to babysitting, how hard could it be?

There was a book series I loved as a kid called "The Babysitters Club." It was a primer for aspiring young babysitters and I thought their techniques would work for me. So I put together my babysitting kit, threaded a line from the phone jack in my parents room to my room, put the word out to the Ward (that is our church members) that I was open for business and waited patiently by my phone for someone to call. Well, not by my phone exactly, that would be silly.

I eventually did get a babysitting job and I was so excited! I certainly had a lot of adventures babysitting but that was quite hard work for a few bucks.

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well out there, keep on working.

SG

Growing up

The question we all ask ourselves when we are growing up and that others ask is "what do you want to be when you grow up?" I think that question is flawed, we can't peer into the future and see what kinds of opportunities are available to us, we have certain aspirations sometimes but that doesn't necessarily mean that if we pick something when we're little that we will get to do that. 

It's not impossible for a kid to pick out what they want to do, certainly, but it's improbable. I think that the most important thing is to set a goal and start to work towards the goal but pay attention to the opportunities. If an opportunity comes along it may be disguised as a hard or difficult experience. I certainly wouldn't have guessed that I would be going down this road to having my own little recording studio and dance studio. The path that took me here was a broken heart. If I dwell on that, especially the anger that I feel at times, then my progress is impeded. I have to let the bad feelings go in order to let the good ones in. I'm really excited! We are so close to being done! This whole crazy, wild project has been the most fun I have had in a long time. :)

Goodnight Internet land

SG

Relationship madness

I've been watching these videos from a guy who is supposed to be explaining to woman about dating. So many techniques about what to say to keep a guys interest, and about being a high value woman, yadda, yadda. The thing is that I don't always feel self confident. I don't always look at my best. I'm not always witty. I'm not always up for going out and doing things... Sometimes I am, but not always. I have issues, I have baggage... I am a selfish person sometimes, I am human and I can't manufacture a perfect version of myself. All I can be is a person trying to get better. I know I'm missing pieces of information on how to make a relationship work, but I am willing to try, if I felt like I was with a compatible person. I don't want to fall in love with anyone trying to pretend to be the perfect version of themselves either... But I guess someone who I am able to feel comfortable with that's willing to let me see the flaws yet is also working on them so that I know they are a proactive person as well.

I know that there is this supposed understanding that woman need relationships and guys just need sex. Well  that is not fair Mother Nature! I don't want endless, empty, sexual encounters! Damn it! Of course sex is good, with a partner who you know and trust, but it leaves me feeling so empty and vulnerable inside without a relationship and damn if I know the answer to this dilemma because in order for us girls to get to know guys we end up compromising and giving in to what guys want... Get no relationship, or get into a relationship that won't really work, get no where and get nothing but heartache.

A circle of madness.

SG

Pro-Active vs. Re-Active Mindset

A quick thought this evening came to mind as I went to use the restroom here at work. It's late to be at work, almost 8:00 PM now! The cleaning crew has to work around our late schedule which throws them off their game a bit.

I approached the restroom and noted that they had just finished the ladies room (which meant I didn't have to go to a different floor). I walked in noting the slightly damp floor and found a stall, I sat down and out of no-where the door to the restroom opens and the cleaning lady shoves a wet floor sign in. My thoughts, "do they set out signs in other countries to inform people that the floor is wet? It's obvious isn't it, but then we are a litigious country and have signs to inform of the obvious everywhere."

What would happen if we didn't allow for lawsuits for things that should be obvious? In this case the cleaning lady was just in, the floors might be wet so I should take extra care. If I slip, I learn a lesson, be careful on a wet floor. What would happen if we only allow lawsuits for intentional acts of harm to others? Wouldn't we have a better and more congruous society with wiser and more responsible people? I think so. Possibly I am overlooking a lot of things in this assumption.

This train of thought brought me to the idea of mindset. To some extent we are all fighting with our inner ego. I've been hurt, the natural reaction is to lash out and perhaps seek revenge. Doing this gets me a negative place in the balance of my psyche. I am in essence adding to the negativity in my life and exacerbating the condition of being wronged.

We do this as people, we do this as countries. When a slight has been perceived we react, but there is a space where we can choose in-between the event and what we do or how we react. As Victor Frankle puts it in his book "Man's Search For Meaning."

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” 

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

I recommend this book wholeheartedly!

In any case, those have been my brief thoughts on being pro-active and re-active for the night.

SG