A little piece of writing from 1/9/2011

Somehow hide the dark shadows under the covers in a corner of your room, there they will stay if no one takes a peek and you'd better hope that they won't because there are the knives, there are the nails, there lies the twisting prickling pain. It is better that it stays hidden, for who knows what might happen if unleashed, who knows?

The birds caw and call to each other, there outside in the cold frozen world. They are little warm bodies in motion, flying about before the heat leaves them, while the sun shines.

There in the ice crystal hunting grounds lies the bounty they seek, life teeming in hidden hollows. For what does it seem to be, this life? The anesthetic hides the truth, that life is pain.

Spicy burning wood scents the air, nostalgia for something, a promise from yesterday, a renewal, a destruction?

The Tale of Vasalisa and introducing my Evil Step Sisters

Some thoughts from reading "Women Who Run with Wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. I first published this 8/9/2011.

This is a deeply spiritual book, not religious, but spiritual. Clarissa Pinkola Estes has gathered stories from all over the world and touches the deepest part of the psyche of Women which is a healing salve to those of us with broken spirits and those of us who want to grow.

This is the tale of Vasalisa in part

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasilisa_the_Beautiful

This is the better version, though not quite as Ms. Estes describes as she mentions that the doll warns Vasalisa of danger and guides  her thus representing Vasalisas intuition.

http://www.oldrussia.net/vas.html

In the tale, Vasalisas mother dies, but before doing so she bequeaths a doll to Vasalisa telling her to feed it and care for it and that it will bless her.

In Ms. Estes interpretation the mothers death represents our overprotective mother which we all have to let go of at some time.

The second task deals with the rotten stepfamily, step mother and step sisters who make it inconvenient for someone who is too nice. For being too nice creates a burden for the too nice person, they become slaves.

So I need to become familiar with "one's own shadow nature, particularly the exlusionary, jealous, and exploitative aspects of self (the stepmother and stepsisters)." "Letting the pressure build between who one is taught to be and who one really is. Ultimately working toward letting the old self die and the new intuitive self be born."

Estes points out that "in this stage of initiation, a woman is harassed by the petty demands of her psyche which exhort her to comply with whatever anyone wishes. Compliance causes a shocking realization that must be registered by all women. That is, to be ourselves causes us to be exiled by many others, and yet to comply with what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves. (A) tormenting tension (that) must be borne... the choice is clear."

I've not understood this aspect of myself, why I have been complying with "whatever anyone wishes." In a sense I have cast myself away, hated myself for my compliance, doubted my ability to make wise decisions. I recall clearly saying yes when I wanted to say no.

Estes calls this being "disenfranchised," treated as an outsider, being an outcast. The outcast usually being the one who is most deeply connected to the knowing nature.

I have a lot to do to overcome my "Evil Step Sisters" so to speak.

SG

Alchemy

I have been reading The Alchemist

Who is this person that I am trying to become? I have been yearning after this self image for quite some time, my whole life.

It is simply that I want to be beautiful, poised, capable and confident. I want order.

What do I want in a relationship, to be understood. I want to have mutual understanding as well.

The weakness that I perceive to be my biggest is the difficulty that I've had in communicating well. The second most difficult for me is consistency. 

Projects

I love projects! Ever since I was a little girl I was always up to something (some would say "up to no good"). Have you ever built a Rube Goldberg machine? I think they are so much fun to design and build, so time consuming but so satisfying. I created a gumball machine out of cardboard and car tracks, I was a bit obsessed with gumball machines when I was little. My brother and I created a magic box out of a refrigerator box, we stacked a smaller box on top and put in a "trap" door, so much fun! I created a pulley system between my window and my friends in the neighboring window, so that we could pass things back and forth in a basket. It was so much fun! I hated to wake up in the morning so I built a pulley system out of thumb tacks and string so that I could turn the light off after my mom had turned it on. Sadly the boat my brother and I created out of 2x4's and plywood couldn't even be moved let alone float on the river (as we hoped) but it did become the platform for our rope swing later on. There has always been something energizing about coming up with new things to do. My youngest brother and I recently started to record some things together, he is in the audio engineering program at UVU and I just think it would be awesome to record music and voice-over's, so we make a good team. Last fall, when I found myself in a situation of needing to get a new home, I kept my eye out for one with a bit of extra space. We were in the middle of the Year End crunch time when a link came through from my relator to a Condo in Orem that I could afford with 2,200 sq ft., so I pull it up and start glancing through the pictures. First of all I was attracted to the small piece of land behind the condo, space for a garden! Then I came across the picture of the 'bonus room' and I was convinced that this was the place for me! So I call up my relator, he gets me an appointment to see the place that night, I get there and walk through it and the whole time my little checklist of things that I want in a home are being marked off… the only thing I didn't like was the flooring in the upstairs and the kitchen. The 'bonus room' was exactly what I was looking for, I could see the potential for a recording space right away. Plus the rest of the space would be perfect for a little dance studio for my son. He dances Break Dance and Hip-Hop. So I put in an offer, it was accepted and I ended up with my very first condo! Then it came time to get everything, I was a fanatic for a while there, researching and gathering all of the pieces together. Now that my space has been created, and I can explore this new opportunity to learn how to speak. On to my next project, I don't know what it will be yet, but I know it will be fun!

Qualities I Want in the Person I Date, aspire to Myself:

I'm clearing out my drafts folder on my blog and noticed this list which I found some time ago. I think the sentiments still apply, though I realize no one is perfect and that these are aspirational  qualities and not necessarily characteristics that someone is going to have in completeness.

1. Takes excellent care of his body. (This means no drugs, addictions, or unsafe practices.)

2. Great relationship with family and friends. Treats all people with respect. 

3. Integrity and responsibility: they do what they say and don't blame others. They are solution-oriented instead of problem-oriented. 

4. Secure in themselves. A good idea of who they are and what they want. They don't have to chase after others' attention or cheap thrills. They don't have to brag or be arrogant either. They resist the urge to make others jealous. 

5. Open and giving. Able to give compliments and tell people how they feel. Not self-centered.

6. Over their exs and can be mature enough to be alone. 

7. Has had solid relationships in the past and understands you can have loved and still needed a change. Someone who has forgiven their past and can forgive mine. 

8. Someone with passion and drive who also gets excited about my passions. 

9.  A joyful person, with a moral compass, who radiates genuine well-being and positivity. 

10. Brave enough to be vulnerable.

The role of sentiment...

Sentiment is a tug at our heartstrings, it can bring a tear to the eye, a wistfulness for what once was, it can leave an unsatisfactory feeling of regret of "Could have been" or "Should have been."

Sentiment can bring on flights of fancy, imagining a nostalgic world where the perfect home and life exists... blooming ideals. Somehow life as it is can break your heart, if it is too far off from sentimental dreams.

Sentimental dreams can easily be snatched away in the grind of daily life. Much easier to dream of handsome dashing hero's, than to find them...

SG

In the Comfort Zone

Living life outside of the comfort zone. 

I have found that I learn the most when I push myself outside of my comfort zones.

There is a concept of order vs. chaos, order seemingly the better of the two. 

When I was a little girl I preferred nestling myself down among the chaos that was our family room/basement and creating order out of the chaos. I had this passion for organizing it all and the desire to learn about everything. Somehow I thought that I would be able to relate to people better if I knew more about things. I wanted to pause time so that I could study it all and then un-pause time to start my life. I guess the root of this is that I really like to think deeply about things and find it hard to discuss my thoughts with others until I have gotten a grasp on what I think about them. 

I am uncomfortable when I have to give an opinion about something that I haven't thought very much on. Especially if it's a hot button topic like politics. Partially this stems from a desire to not rock the boat, and partially it comes from a desire to avoid looking like an idiot and/or going against public opinion. I prefer to really state my opinions only when I have fully formed my opinions and not just go with the consensus of the crowd. I am embarrassed whenever I do state things off the cuff... 

In some ways this is a good thing, it is a measured life and I consider myself to be a reasonable person most of the time. In some ways this is a bad thing because it takes me a long time to decide what I believe to be true and in the meantime I can't pause time like I desire to so life passes by while I am on the sidelines thinking about things.

So the comfort zone, things that are outside of my comfort zone are things that disrupt my schedule or that put me into situations where I have to be assertive and somewhat spontaneous. I like to get out and do things but I like to plan to get out and do things OR do spontaneous things after I've gotten what I need to do taken care of first. 

I really have to force myself to go to team events, go down to the lunch room for lunch, or do other activities especially when I have a lot of things to do at work. 

Games People Play - How being nice can be the wrong answer.

"I have not found it helpful or effective in my relationships with other people to try to maintain a facade; to act in one way on the surface when I am experiencing something quite different underneath' - Carl Rogers

Sometimes people play "games", something like this:

Him: You've done something wrong, I am upset (but not admitting to it)
Her: I'm not sure what I did wrong, how can I make it better
Him: I'm not really upset
Her: You seem upset
Him: Not really

Her: Feels bad, not sure why or what to do about it.

Her Needs: For approval, for time alone, for calm happiness, "I must be reasonable", "I must be helpful", "I must be strong", "I must be perfect", "I must win", "I must please others."

His Needs: For reassurance, for power, "I must provoke you", "I must make you feel weak", "I must expose your flaws", "I must threaten disapproval."

How to counteract the game playing by going against some thoughts about how you have to be. When you start to think these things or feel this way think of doing the opposite.

"I must be polite"
    "I will be polite when I want to be polite"

"I must be perfect"
     "I don't have to be perfect"

If your need for harmony means that you try to keep the peace in the family, try not keeping the peace. Sometimes you need to break out of the myth that being nice is the answer to the problems you are facing.

https://uvoasis.com/events/2018/4/8/holly-robbins-how-being-nice-destroys-civil-dialogue

Third in a series on TA, offering some of the metaphors I think can be useful in conceptualizing and dealing with interactions. This third video takes a closer look at gimmicks and some different perspectives they can be viewed from — including gimmicks as faulty rules, faulty roles and faulty definitions — and then possible ways out. — Recommended TA texts: 1) Ian Stewart & Vann Joines: 'TA Today: A New Introduction To Transactional Analysis' 2) Thomas A Harris: 'I'm OK, You're OK' 3) Eric Berne: 'Games People Play' — videos in the series
TA1 — ego states and transactions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyF... TA2 — games theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOqJ4... TA3 — gimmicks TA appendix i — YouTube games https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe8Kz... TA appendix ii — religion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eam-...

Ideas good and bad

There's something we all encounter every single day of our lives, ideas. They filter into our consciousness without us fully realizing it. Some ideas are benign, others are harmful but difficult to place so we believe they are originating from truth. We need to pause sometimes and question our thoughts, quest out to find the root and decide what is really helpful to us and what we need to discard. Sometimes this process is difficult, we might need a sounding board to help us work through difficult thoughts and decisions, that is O.K., perfectly normal.

Human Dilemma

I think that a great dilemma for human beings is that we want to have the closeness of relationships but find it difficult to intolerable to put up with other people, their foibles, their weaknesses, and all of the drama that comes into our lives from dealing with other people. Perhaps a big part of this problem stems from a great cycle of misunderstandings. Or of power plays, which preys on the weaknesses of others, the great struggle between the Haves and the Have Nots.

Some have won the gene lottery of life and have great looks and intelligence and also have had a good family to grow up in.

Then there are those of us who have struggled. Some have grown up with parents who know how to model appropriate behavior or we just didn't see it because there parents weren't there. There are some who have had the good parents but other misfortune has befallen them.

We miss the links that society used to hold to other people: Grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, neighbors, it feels like we are all living such isolated lives. Society is beautiful and horrible.

Our civilization has degraded into ignorance our customs and manners have some somewhat been set aside and in other ways we've become nobler.

We declared as a people we want to be more tolerant understanding, kinder, but wishing doesn't make it so, effort on the part of many to change is the only way to get there.

maybe we need to revisit some of the niceties customs that we have set aside and embrace them especially and the spirit of showing respect to ourselves to our fellow human beings

My heart reaches out to all those who suffer from loneliness and despair, frustrating relationships, empty relationships, empty lives, if only we could find a way to love people without all of the  jealousy and insecurities and the potent sense of loss when things don't work out.