"I have not found it helpful or effective in my relationships with other people to try to maintain a facade; to act in one way on the surface when I am experiencing something quite different underneath' - Carl Rogers
Sometimes people play "games", something like this:
Him: You've done something wrong, I am upset (but not admitting to it)
Her: I'm not sure what I did wrong, how can I make it better
Him: I'm not really upset
Her: You seem upset
Him: Not really
Her: Feels bad, not sure why or what to do about it.
Her Needs: For approval, for time alone, for calm happiness, "I must be reasonable", "I must be helpful", "I must be strong", "I must be perfect", "I must win", "I must please others."
His Needs: For reassurance, for power, "I must provoke you", "I must make you feel weak", "I must expose your flaws", "I must threaten disapproval."
How to counteract the game playing by going against some thoughts about how you have to be. When you start to think these things or feel this way think of doing the opposite.
"I must be polite"
"I will be polite when I want to be polite"
"I must be perfect"
"I don't have to be perfect"
If your need for harmony means that you try to keep the peace in the family, try not keeping the peace. Sometimes you need to break out of the myth that being nice is the answer to the problems you are facing.
https://uvoasis.com/events/2018/4/8/holly-robbins-how-being-nice-destroys-civil-dialogue
Third in a series on TA, offering some of the metaphors I think can be useful in conceptualizing and dealing with interactions. This third video takes a closer look at gimmicks and some different perspectives they can be viewed from — including gimmicks as faulty rules, faulty roles and faulty definitions — and then possible ways out. — Recommended TA texts: 1) Ian Stewart & Vann Joines: 'TA Today: A New Introduction To Transactional Analysis' 2) Thomas A Harris: 'I'm OK, You're OK' 3) Eric Berne: 'Games People Play' — videos in the series
TA1 — ego states and transactions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyF... TA2 — games theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOqJ4... TA3 — gimmicks TA appendix i — YouTube games https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe8Kz... TA appendix ii — religion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eam-...
Sometimes people play "games", something like this:
Him: You've done something wrong, I am upset (but not admitting to it)
Her: I'm not sure what I did wrong, how can I make it better
Him: I'm not really upset
Her: You seem upset
Him: Not really
Her: Feels bad, not sure why or what to do about it.
Her Needs: For approval, for time alone, for calm happiness, "I must be reasonable", "I must be helpful", "I must be strong", "I must be perfect", "I must win", "I must please others."
His Needs: For reassurance, for power, "I must provoke you", "I must make you feel weak", "I must expose your flaws", "I must threaten disapproval."
How to counteract the game playing by going against some thoughts about how you have to be. When you start to think these things or feel this way think of doing the opposite.
"I must be polite"
"I will be polite when I want to be polite"
"I must be perfect"
"I don't have to be perfect"
If your need for harmony means that you try to keep the peace in the family, try not keeping the peace. Sometimes you need to break out of the myth that being nice is the answer to the problems you are facing.
https://uvoasis.com/events/2018/4/8/holly-robbins-how-being-nice-destroys-civil-dialogue
Third in a series on TA, offering some of the metaphors I think can be useful in conceptualizing and dealing with interactions. This third video takes a closer look at gimmicks and some different perspectives they can be viewed from — including gimmicks as faulty rules, faulty roles and faulty definitions — and then possible ways out. — Recommended TA texts: 1) Ian Stewart & Vann Joines: 'TA Today: A New Introduction To Transactional Analysis' 2) Thomas A Harris: 'I'm OK, You're OK' 3) Eric Berne: 'Games People Play' — videos in the series
TA1 — ego states and transactions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyF... TA2 — games theory https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOqJ4... TA3 — gimmicks TA appendix i — YouTube games https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xe8Kz... TA appendix ii — religion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eam-...
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