Argh!!

How do you make time for what's important, when you don't know what is important anymore?

When nothing was valued, nothing cherished, time an endless cycle of nothingness...

When it seems as though the meaning of things is minute...

Tell me why this is?

Why nothing seems interesting to me right now?

I think I will buy new couches and a area rug... then sit and watch stupid sappy movies, make quilts and hope to feel something again. (and maybe cry a little, because that would feel good)

SG

Feeling More Like Myself Again

I've felt so relieved, like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Man I fought this outcome, yet I feel so much better now it is a little bit confusing.

There has been so much to think about that it is distracting. I'm still trying to look for a job, but then now that Sam has a job and he assures me that the money he earns will go towards mine and the childrens support I kind of think, "well let him do that..." but then I think, "I need the independance of a job." It is a dillema though isn't it?

I have started taking pictures again, perhaps I will make a blog just for Friday Shoot outs like some other's that I know.

This is a picture of some roots that together looked like a monkey sitting by the tree...



Can you see it? :)

Hi, Resuming Blogging

Ok, I am safe, bloggity secured.

It is not like I want to turn this into some confessional... it is just that I don't want to have to constantly evaluate if what I say is going to hurt another.

The other is already hurt, I am sad about that, yet not sad enough to go back to what was.

I have forgiven, but it is ridiculous to continually refresh second chances, it is meaningless. So I had to stand firm this time, if I had anything like integrity to put out there.

Still, it is an odd feeling isn't it, suddenly freed from the burden of trying to make something work that wasn't.

At the same time, I have to reevaluate my parenting methods. I need to establish a routine and boundaries, be firm, it is an odd feeling indeed.

I do feel as though I should feel guilty, but don't because it was the right thing to do.

What else is odd is the fact that I have never been privileged to grow up in a stable predictable environment, so I don't know how that feels. My parents have stayed together, yet they are chaotic about what they expect, so expecting nothing they received confusion from us kids.

I was confused, still am, but I am trying to sort things out. How do you digest all of the information that you need to be the principle parent in the household... I was already forced into the role many times, but still, I had the dynamics of another persons personality to contend with.

I am sorry for his pain though, it is a hard thing to contend with the end of a long term relationship.

Hopefully I can make some smart decisions and things will go well... I just need to stay on my toes I suppose.

Go fill out paperwork, look for a job.

SG

September 11th 2001

September 11, 2001

A day I, nor anyone cognizant of world events, shall ever forget. I was pregnant with my son Sione, walking around a little bread store near the home that I grew up in, when I understood that something was wrong.

The radio, normally tuned to country music, was tuned to the news and people looked very distressed. I asked the clerk what was happening and she told me that an airplane had hit a tower in New York, I thought how terrible that was for them then went home to tune to the news and call my mom.

At home I saw on the television the image of the plane hitting the tower, over and over. I talked to my mom about it and then sat to watch the footage, it was so surreal that I couldn't believe it was happening, not really. When the other plane hit I thought "what next?"

The news of other planes headed towards other targets, including one that hit the Pentagon and one headed towards the White House, made me feel as though the entire country was at risk, that anything could happen anywhere. I worried about my children in their classrooms, I didn't want them to know about what had happened, they were so young.

That was Sept. 11th for me. The after effect was seeing flags everywhere, walking around at school and looking in other peoples faces, knowing that they knew. The subdued feeling at Wal-Mart as I walked around with my dad later on, it felt like everyone had just come from a funeral. People collected money to donate to the victims, people gave blood, everyone hugged their family members a little tighter after that.

We were regaled with the footage over and over again on the news until I felt I would puke from the constant reminder. I kept the TV off, it was just too overwhelming.

Eventually, the fervour stopped, the flags posted outside of car windows were ripped to shreds by the wind and eventually put away. Things, and people went back to normal with everyday concerns crowding in over the extraordinary occurrence of that day.

A day, that connected us all, a day that if mentioned will bring to mind the common remembrance.

The thread that has bound Americans and has come to mean many things to us all. It is a tragedy though at its core and will ever be.

Taking Baby Steps

So, this is the world

expansive, broad

my world, has been rather small,

A microcosm of myopia.

I see out into the world,

and see possibilities.

yet

What if, haunts me.

What if I fail?

will i be shunned, scorned

The world,

this broad wide world,

is full of failure,

yes.

There is failure,

yet

I ask who has learned to walk,

without taking a first step?

As I take a step,

I shall know what it means to have courage,

I shall know.

A Better Post about Life

Hello out there!

Sorry for my neglect... I needed a break. I think this blog deserves a good word painting, so here you all are.

Life,

So beautiful, and terrible, embraced with passion each step that you take can lead you to the gift of fulfillment, joy, happiness, yet terrible misery as well.

Embraced, embraced, can we live another way?

Of course we can, drift, wander, a lost soul in the sea of humanity. A dream, unfulfilled dies away with neglect and we are reduced to apathy.

Yet life, life, life can throb, life can fill there can be a fullness of joy, bursting forth from our hearts as we shake off the shame of what we think is owed us, and create for ourselves beauty from the ashes.

Marvel at the fresh scent of a new spring day, the mountains solid, sturdy, verdant and strong. Stand in awe of Gods wonders, stand in awe of the elements. Accept that things don't always work the way that you want, people don't always agree, but they too are aching with thoughts of life, all deserve to live.


~AV

=====================================================================================

Life

Life

Simultaneously marching us all forward while our minds are still trying to process the whys of yesterday...