Tongan Funeral

In September of 2007 a truly tragic thing happened to the Samani & Lavulavu family.

My husbands aunt Talite had six boy's and one girl. In 2007 her oldest son Etikeni and his wife Treshel were driving home from a family reunion on the notorious Highway 89, when a drunk driver in another truck going in the opposite direction crossed over the meridian into their lane. Their truck was incinerated, there was not much left of them after the crash. The pictures on the news were graphic.

This truly tragic event was to be my first experience with a Tongan funeral up close. I had heard about them, read about them, but the actual event was and is difficult to explain.

Here is as close of a description as I can get.

We immediately went over to Talite's eg. The Samani household. I am very close to her as she is one of the most generous and loving people that I know. She has helped me many times by watching my children and she is always interesting to talk to.

When we arrived at their house the first thing I noticed is that people had immediately found black clothing to wear (I too had put on some black). There were people milling about in their yard and on their front porch, and even more in their living room.

It seemed as though everyone there was able to weep profusely, but at the moment my tears were lost somewhere. When I walked in and saw Talite's face they started to flow and I hugged her. She held me tightly sobbing on my shoulder calling "thanks Annie, I love you Annie" through her tears, she held everyone in like manner.

We sat awkwardly around the living room, so many large bodies in so little space. I perched on the edge of the couch with Roxie until someone offered me their spot on the couch.

His Aunty Mepa kept repeating that he had just been to her house and left food on her table with a note.

After a while we realised that there was nothing at the moment to do, so we left them.

The next day I came back and found that they had cleared the living room of all of the couches and had cleaned the house from top to bottom. They had laid tapa cloth all over the floor and a few women were sitting around eating yams and chicken.

This was the beginning of the wake.

I learned that there would be someone there at all times, to receive visitors for the week, leading up to the funeral. There were men out cooking, I learned that the best food would be prepared later on, when more visitors would arrive. I could come back later.

I stopped by over the next couple of days, they had the same routine night and day. The woman sat in the house or made other preparations and the men cooked continuously, their efforts changing each day.

Then a sort of final wake was to occur the night before the funeral, so we all prepared by dressing in black for the occasion.

When we arrived at the house, there were so many cars that we had to park several blocks down. We got out and walked in the receding light and I watched the dark branches overhead as we passed the trees on the street.

Several groups of people were converging on their home and people, mostly men, were milling around in the yard.

They had set up a portable shade in one part of the yard with tapa mats covering the ground, their were more mats in the house.

Some people were eating, and they offered to get me some food as I found some of my sisters-in-law and sat down with our baby Roxie.

There was an air of expectation as we waited, it grew heavier as the time passed and nothing happened. Nothing but rearranging bodies and waiting.

I sat there patiently and tried to gather from little comments made in English and some of the Tongan that I know, what was going on. My sister in law Tresha didn't know either and the Tongans around me seemed distracted and anxious, not willing to explain. Sam was in the back cooking and the children were running around.

Finally something happened, a group of people showed up in several cars. They got out and I noticed that besides their black clothing they were also adorned in tapa mats, tied around the chest, the women had whale bone combs in their thick hair and gold flashed from their teeth when they smiled. (A peculiarity of many Tongans is that they fill their front canine teeth and other teeth with bits of gold, including my husband).

They opened up the backs of their cars and brought out copious amounts of blankets and mats.

The family group all stood on the sidewalk and up the front walk all holding the blankets and mats. The leader of the family called out to the house a traditional Tongan greeting/chant.

Those in the house answered with a chant, then the blanket holders chanted a reply and started to walk into the house. When they got to the front threshold of the door the leader called into the house and they were all permitted to enter.

I heard more chanting in the house. Then this group left carrying food and another showed up and the ceremony was repeated. Until several groups came and left in a similar manner.

In due course the occupants of the house came out to the portable shade and sat at the head of the group on the Tapa cloth. Everyone bowed their heads as Talavoa Samani, the head of the household, gave a very beautiful prayer.

Afterwards, it was very late. There were people there who were going to be there all night but with the kids there I couldn't stay, so I gathered up my kids and we left.

The next day we arrived at Talite's house first to offer our help, but I suppose that they had things under control because they sent us on up to the church. The funeral, it was held at a really large chapel. There weren't very many people when we arrived, we walked past the caskets. On the floor in a t-shape was some Tapa cloth, some of it in front of the caskets and some up the isle.

Their were pictures everywhere and a copious amount of flowers. Next to each casket were a few chairs, placed to honor family members, and to receive the mourners. These they did not end up using, since they have a rather large family, on both sides. So they had Etikeni's family on the far side in the front few rows, and Trechels family on the other side.

As time passed the chapel filled up quickly, so many people in fact that there were people out into the hallway. Members of each family spoke and then another traditional Tongan cry was called out by Etikeni's brother. It was a long mournful cry, filled with emotion. The congregation called their reply and then started to sing hymns in Tongan accappella.

When the Tongans sing accappella, it is always beautifully done, they spontaneously harmonize.

At this point the mourners were making their way towards the front to pay their last respects, I was holding back to wait for the bulk of the crowd to go past. I went to find my daughter Angela, and spied my sister in law Tresha. We stood off to the side observing the procession of mourners, never have I seen so many at a funeral. She was looking for her daughters as well. My other sister in law Volasinga (Vola) came over to us looking for her daughters.

I finally spied them. They were walking with the mourners, clasping their hands together and crying copious amounts of tears, sobbing really. This made Grandmother Lavulavu cry all the more and she stood up to join them.

I suppose that we had all been in a bit of shock, and their open show of emotion brought many people to weep. This was talked about afterwards with great appreciation, Tongans really like it if you openly cry like that.

I decided to get into line with Tresha and Vola. I was having trouble crying, I some times do. Eventually we made it to the Samani's and I did cry as I hugged each of them, especially Talite.

Afterwards I gathered up my children, except Angela who wanted to be with her cousins. We went out to the car to leave, and as we left we were handed food through the open window. They gave food to everyone who left in like manner.

This funeral was actually modified to accommodate Trechels family, and the fact that we were in America. So it wasn't quite as traditional as it would have been, had we have been in Tonga.

One of the differences is that the Tongans bury their dead in Tapa cloth and mound sand on top of their graves. The family visits often to take care of the grave.

This is a picture of Etikeni and Trechel



These Sam's family attending a funeral for his aunts little daughter in Tonga. The little girl with the red scarf like thing (I think it is a lava lava) is my sister in law Tresha's little girl, she was raised by Sam's aunt Molieta.

OUCH!!

I don't know how many people know this about me, but I am a very stubborn person.

(Uh, and so is my daughter Roxie... she sat on the floor for about 5 minutes crying because I told her she had to say sorry for hitting me before she got up. It's not like she didn't understand me, I could see her little mind working and every time I asked her to say sorry she would say "No" and continue to cry... STINKER!!)

Today I was out clearing up the yard, in which we had a large fire pit (refer to previous post about said fire pit. I guess it was a really nice one, but it was situated in a bad spot I thought, because it blocked a part of the yard that would be nice to have clear.

So being stubborn I decided to move the fire pit back a few feet. So I went out there and started chucking the large stones back, then found that someone had reinforced said fire pit (I think the neighbors husband) by putting large pieces of asphault (of which were my nemisis since we moved in here, but finally got cleared up by the fencing guys...) and concrete around it.

So being stubborn I took a shovel to pry up the asphault. I got them pryed up and even got a really large piece (about two feet wide)to where I wanted it by rolling it on it's side.

Then having put things in place, I started to rearrange the stones, when suddenly one of them came down on two of my fingers, bruising one and smashing apart the side of the other!! The immediate response I guess was endorphins flooding my fingers and my brain.

So, in shock, I almost blindly went into the house. Somehow navigating around the garbage can and Sam's toolbox (which was from his truck). Getting into the house, I went up the stairs where I turned on the water and sort of lay against the counter with hot water running over my fingers. It was all I could do to turn on the cold water and lay there with my head on my arm while the water ran. I started shaking and almost passed out.

Luckily Angela followed me into the house to see if I was alright. She got me drinks of water (after I recovered a bit and sat on the floor) and the first aid kit. My mouth felt like cotton.

She also got me a camera so I took a picture, it dosen't look that bad actually because the skin is in the same position of where it usually is. The other finger is turning a bit purple. But... I am not sure you all want to see it. :D

After cleaning it up I had to take a bath (because I was dirty all over). Now for some odd reason I am sitting here blogging about it. :D

Actually some of my stubborn habits are rather amusing. I have some really amusing stories from both childhood and adulthood. Basically if stuff is not getting done, I do it, even if it seems like too large of a job for me.

I have kind of gotten stuck with the garden though. We have a big problem with morning glory, so although we haven't gotten anything planted yet... it's sort of alright because the stuff's growing everywhere and we would now be weeding everything at this point.

What needs to happen is getting a hold of a lot of peat moss, manure, and organic fertilizer to till into the soil to turn it to be more acidic (morning glory loves the alkalinity of our yard) then I think we need to get some black plastic to cover things up to discourage the weeds (though I hate the thought of using a whole bunch of plastic... which will photo degrade into our soil).

I have another problem... grrr. I guess it's because of my monthly visitor, walking a long time yesterday and not getting enough sleep (I guess being on the computer doesn't help either) but I think I have gained about 10 or 15 pounds in like 2 or 3 weeks or days even (because seriously I fit into my clothes a couple of weeks ago and today I can't find anything to wear, grrr).

This happens I guess from time to time then I consider going on Weight Watchers again (because I lost like 10 pounds in the first week when I went on it before)... but then things go back to normal. I DON'T KNOW!! Being a woman is annoying!!

Now I've got a headache, my hairs wet, skin feels dry and sore for some reason, got stuff to do... never mind about it. :D I just wish someone would show up and take care of things sometimes. (You know?)

Friday Shoot Outs - Public Transportation... or not? :D

Well... this week the assignment was "Public Transportation/Alternative Transportation" the only thing we have around here are cars and buses... (and I didn't really want a picture of a UTA bus).

SO I decided to show you a slide show of the "Provo River Parkway Trail..." (a public path that many people use to get around without a car) I went on a really long walk to show you a portion of it... (If I turned around and went the other way it would go up into the mountains. Another walk for another day) :D

Here's a few pictures (To tempt you to watch the slide show) ;p









I know one of the "gang" is going to hog tie me to a tree for this, but... I just couldn't help myself. (Sorry, sorry that this slide show is so long, I am begging on one knee for an appeasement). ;p

I also uploaded these pictures to Photobucket... which took forever. But I made comments on almost all of them. The last part of my walk was the most surprising, as I hadn't been down there in a long time. They made a new road somehow going into a previously enclosed parking lot to Paul Reams park... of which I passed up then came back to (where I used to hang out with my brother). Another neat part of the walk is where you can look up from beneath into the railway ties. The baseball diamond at the end is part of the Fort Utah commemorative park and the Tongan Rugby practice field is there as well as a skate park. What looks like a grave stone in part of it is actually a marker stone for Fort Utah.

I hope you enjoy!!

Camping Word Painting

I am up early listening to the dawn chorus outside my window and the long haunting call of a passing train. So I decided I wanted to post something and this is what the slightly chilly air from my open window reminded me of.

Camping Word Paintings...

Awakening from a restless sleep, the cool crisp mountain air filled her head as she stumbled out of bed, thirsty. The smell of the polyester tent and stale campfire smoke on their clothing was her next awareness as she fumbled in the dark for her shoes and jacket, she could feel the cool bite in the air.

She unzipped the tent, the sound odd in the stillness of the morning, when no other foreign sound disturbed the primordial song of the morning chorus. A yawning awareness of the faint faded tones of the morning came over her as she walked toward the motor home to grab a cup.

The smell of the grasses and the water from the stream was as mana to her city sensibilities. She was still sleepy, thought she though longingly of sitting by the embers of the bonfire to listen to the birds and the last efforts of the crickets to communicate in the early dawn.

She reached the water spigot and lifted the handle and a sucking sound, followed by an ever increasing gurgling came up from the pipe. Water finally reached the apex and spilled over and she lowered the handle a bit to stem the tide of rushing water, then got herself a drink.

The freezing cold water hit her stomach with a sting and it growled at her in hunger. She finished off the cup then got some more water draining that cup as well.

The hunger pains subsided a bit, and she decided that sitting by the mostly cold fire pit would be uncomfortable and lonely, like the longing for bright flames and warmth from a friend.

So she unzipped the tent again and made her way back to her sleeping bag and pillow. The upper part of the bag had grown cold and it made her shiver to feel it and the freezing pillow against her cheek. Her legs found some remnants of warmth though and she rubbed her feet together and against the blanket to create some warmth from the friction.

Everyone else in the tent was sleeping soundly, a few even snoring, which was slightly annoying and slightly amusing.

She rubbed her arms with her long sleeves pulled down over her hands trying to get the chill off her skin, then turned over to warm the other side of her face. After a lot of rubbing and clenching together of the blankets and sleeping bag, she finally felt warmed up and she listened to the song of the birds, now distant, as she drifted off to sleep again.

Howdy!!

I've put up a few pictures for ya' of Tonga, Yam's ;p and Sam playing Rugby... I will scan in a few more soon. :D

(ps- click on the picture to make it bigger).

Observations

Friends are people who have taken the time to get to know you and then expect you to be who you are, not who they want you to be.

(Note: I wrote this with a contemplative tone of voice... I hate how the internet can change the tone of something.) :D

In modern times we are expected to "be somebody, to make something of ourselves." It used to be that we could live each day "being" ourselves and serving others. Men served their families by providing food and shelter for them. Woman served by nurturing and caring for them. They also did a little of each other's job to help each other out.

I have spent too many years trying to "be" somebody and not enough years "being" who I am.

The last time that I was truly myself was as a very young child. I was also more like myself during the summer when no one was trying to get me to "be" somebody.

What has been wrong for me all of these years is the idea that I am not "enough." Of what? I knew not.

So I have been living my life trying to "be" and not "being" who I am. Endlessly working on improvement brought a lot of compulsion into me. I had a list, I was always making lists, of who I wanted to "be." These I suppose are "Goals." Goals that are broken down into ever more manageable smaller goals all working towards the bigger goal of which I needed to have many of.

So I've spent my time working on goals, trying to accomplish them. But the thing about goals is that they will never end, you finish one goal and then become aimless, so you set another goal. I guess a lot of people accomplish a lot in this manner and people all seem to think that setting goals is a good idea.

I suddenly think though that it is not a good idea. Why? Because you are setting your self up. Up for failure, up for aimlessness, I think it accomplishes the opposite of being.

What then should we do? I think that we should drop everything that we think we need to accomplish and perhaps look at what we like to do, what we want to do. The opposite of what the success guru's tell us to do. I guess I could spend my time in allotted segments 10 min. cooking breakfast, 1 hour studying Spanish, at 2 I should go to the dentist... then the problem becomes slotting in time to sit with our kids and appreciate their laughter. Or thinking about anything at all, our lives become an endless monotony of appointments.

Thus had mine been allotted for so many years and I felt like a failure, even graduating from college Suma Cum Laude with a bachelors degree in Accounting failed to bring me any joy. It was an odd feeling marching down the aisle to "receive" my diploma, the last check off of my college career.

Now... the ball has been dropped. The bottom fell out of the economy and so did all of my plans, our 401 (K), our paid off truck, Sam's job with the regular pay check, all vanished in the wind. For the most part I have been floundering around, dumbfounded as they say (and terrible at meeting appointments and getting things done...)

Now though, now that I find myself in this place in time, I am finally free to just be myself and now I am finally finding friends who are taking the time to get to know me.

What is funny is that now that I am myself, I feel a lot better about accomplishing my goals. My goals are learning how to do what I like to do better, and taking care of others and myself. Plus my mind is a lot clearer for meeting appointments and other things because I have gotten a bit more of the past cleared up.

There you have it... some observations. A complete reversal of my previously stressed out self (who could tell you a lot about making lists and the 7 habits of... perfect people). :D

Roxie's Loot and GF Strawberry Pancakes

Today, I stumbled upon a fantastic Gluten Free pancake recipe!! It's a fluke that sometimes happens when I am throwing stuff together to cook.

I've actually been searching for a GF pancake recipe (I have one listed for GF Pumpkin Pancakes) so today Sione wanted me to make pancakes and I usually throw them together, not even looking at the recipe.

I got everything in the bowl, except the pumpkin. Then mixed it up, it was runny... so I thought "what if I threw in some apple fiber?" So I threw in a couple tablespoons of that. Then I thought "what about some ground chia seed?" (So nutritious) so I threw about a half cup in the Vita-Mix, ground them up, and threw them into the bowl. (Love my Vita-Mix, took a bit of convincing Sam to get it though).

The mixture had started bubbling up from the baking powder. I mixed that all together and poured a runny bit on the pan, as I ran to grab some pumpkin (which is so nutritious that I hate to leave it out) then I grabed a bit more rice flour and another tsp. of baking powder (reasoning that the other had started to go flat) and a tbsp. of succanat (raw brown sugar, which I usually put in pumpkin pancakes).

Then I got out the mixer again and mixed it all up... taking off the first experimental pancake (a pancake without pumpkin, which Angie hates... thus the search for a better pancake recipe).

My little messed up pancake, turned out to be very, very yummy!! So now Angie can have homemade pancakes again!! and highly nutritious ones at that. :D

Plus the other pancakes turned out great as well... so I did a few chocolate chip and then threw some cut up strawberries in another batch (could I help myself?)

Everything was super yummy today. :D

Here's a picture of GF Strawberry Pancakes (I will post the recipe on my other blog)



And here's a few pictures of Roxie with her "loot" from the doctors.

Brought Roxie to the doctors...

Poor little thing has a real nasty ear infection... plus she had a waxy scabby thing in the other ear (the doctor cleared it out to peer in, and it started bleeding a lot, scared the heck out of me until we figured out that there was a little owie in there). She had already claimed a princess bandaid for the uh... owie on her knee. Plus a ring on the filing cabinent, and the doctor just couldn't help giving her a coloring book and a box of crayons. Dr. Clayton Jr. that is, his dad has been my pediatrician since I was a little baby. He is so soft spoken and has such a way with kids... and his son is the same way. Looks a lot like him and sounds much the same as his dad. As we walked out of the room Dr. Clayton Sr. was there, he gave me a big hug (always cares for the mom) then bade us come into the office were he has a drawer full of fluffy toy's. He found her a little lion (which he said had been crying for a hug) awww. these guys are so sappy sweet!! Roxie snuggled her toys as we walked home (the office is just across the river).

I have pictures but don't feel like uploading right now... :D

(I am so tired!!)

The Ramblings of a Sleepy Mind :D

What follows is from a somewhat befuddled mother who spent the night rocking and rubbing her two year old with a hurting ear.

Listening to her incesant cry... which didn't really stop all night.

Rocking her in my arms, rocking her on my knees. Half asleep, half awake. Nursing her in the early morning hours. Then dragging my self out of bed at her request to get her a drink of water (downstairs of course and I had to carry her along).

Somewhere between the third or fourth glass of water (at two or three in the morning) I wrote the other post that I did on mothers day.

Somewhere between the hours of three or four in the morning while I was using an electric back messager on the outside of her ear and watching her sleepy dazed look as she desperately moved the massager around on her ear, I started reflecting.

Some time between then and nine in the morning I cut one of her sisters old antibiotic tablets in half and crushed it, added water to it then made Roxie drink it. (Don't tell the authorities on me, i'll take her to the doctor tomorrow.) :D

(I also randomly recall making some herbal tea's - Pau D' Arco and Holy Basil with added astralagus root, rose hips, and raspberry leaf, to strengthen the immune system and eating garlic infused butter (two cloves) on rice crackers with a bit of raw honey... uh, I don't know how that idea slipped in there but I've had garlic breath all day). :D

Been in a dazed stupor all day, sleeping as I sat at the table, sleeping as I went to the Tongan "eating," (they had taro root, lu shipi, and curried shipi which I used to cover my taro root and rice... plus some other stuff. Stuff that involved cheese covered fish? Flaked crab mixed with something, various cabbage dishes - which I passed on cause' it's not good for my particular tummy. Plus they had some Faka kai - such a yummy dessert involving a type of flour dumplings and carmalized coconut milk. I used to live for that stuff... but I can't eat it now unless they do it with tapioca flour, but then the mix it with spinach or something... it's just a bit weird but still tastes yummy.) I Begged to be brought home early though I love those guy's, I was not good company, and found I couldn't sleep.

So I went out to lay in the tall grasses to feel some sun shining down on me. Then came in and was almost ready to sleep... when I had to go with the family to my mom's. That went alright, mom corralled the boy's into doing there duty, and I have been sitting around pondering the universe and all that is in there in...

Here are some of my ponderings today... (of course it's all a bit long because I tend to ramble when restlessly tired). :D

What is it that we are looking for? For fame and success? Who defines these things... what defines them? The amount of recognition that you receive, the amount of friends? The amount of work that you do, the quality...?

It seems to me that I am always trying to reach a place inside of me that is true and unique, being able to accept that person. Why is it that we hide our true selves? Is it for protection? Is it because we don't really accept that person who was us in the beginning and will be there through our whole lives until we are buried in the grave?

It is an odd feeling, hearing my daughter talk of things that I remember doing. Experiencing things that I have done, and yet it is in an exclusive way, as though I am ignorant of what she is thinking and feeling. I guess I couldn't really grasp that concept either when I was her age, that my own mother knew what I knew.

Star talked about awakenings in her story about her childhood visit to her Grandparents. We all feel those I believe. It is scary though to be standing here, watching my beautiful little daughter, praying that she will be able to find sense in her head before she finds herself in the position that I was in, married at 16.

I was not prepared, not at all. For the most part I played house and babysat, trying to make sense of my life. It wasn't until after I was about 25 that I started to have an idea about who I was, a vague one. Funny that my mom told me and my cousin to wait until after we were 25 to get married. How old that sounded to us then, what was the desperation that clung to my heart to leave the home that I was in. I guess I was a scared little girl. Somewhat scared that if I waited until then then nobody would want me, scared that no one would ever want me at the time those were my thoughts. Why do we all struggle with this?

What makes me sick is television shows that glorify teenage pregnancy. When did the tide turn from trying to stop the problem to making it seem like an interesting part of the normal teenage life. That's what has been strange to me about the phenomenon of teenagers cutting themselves as well. I never heard of it when I was growing up. It's as if "dealing" with the topics on television gives them legitimacy, normalizes rather than reduces the problem. A lot of what they show on television bothers me anyway.

I can't remember which show, I think it was "Rachel Ray," (because I occasionally get a chance to watch her show) they were discussing some new "reality" TV shows that were being proposed. One of which was the idea of a company that was facing the possibility of layoffs, having a group of employees sit down together, look at everyone's salaries and employment histories and then deciding "who should go." My word!! Where is the decency anymore?

This is sort of like the TV show which used a lie detector test to show if the contestant was lying and then asking probing questions like "have you ever cheated on your spouse?" and any other probing question that they could think of.

I guess I have been in a reflective mood today. Thinking about my own motivations, what type of person I am and who I want to be. I've been thinking about my writing... that it needs to come from the inner self or it can seem disingenuous.

I think that the possibility exists where I can write, and write well but not be completely into what I am writing. For the most part stuff that I have written on my blog has been really in depth, coming from the real me.

But there have been times when I have tried to write, to impress someone I guess or to fulfill an assignment or even to create something to feel worthwhile... like I can create something that will be so impressive that it will be published.

I guess that in some ways these reasons are not bad per say, but I feel that when I am writing something that comes from a feeling that I have about the world, that it reaches people a lot more than writing for another reason. Which is why I suppose that I can't write sometimes when I am tired or uninspired.

Yadda, yadda, such are my thoughts.

Happy Mothers Day!!

I hope that you all have a good Mothers Day today!! All of you mothers and all of you with mothers and those beautiful mothering hearts, even if you have yet to have children of your own. I guess that means everyone! :D

(An Extra Special Happy Mothers Day to my own mom as well!!)

Here are some pictures for ya' of my silly kids

Sione Helping with the stinky diapers...



Koli mowing the lawn at my parents...



Angie Getting ready for Volleyball...



Roxie will share her blanket, just for the day of course...



My Favorite Mothers Day Song

I Often Go Walking

1. I often go walking in meadows of clover,
And I gather armfuls of blossoms of blue.
I gather the blossoms the whole meadow over;
Dear mother, all flowers remind me of you.


2. O mother, I give you my love with each flower
To give forth sweet fragrance a whole lifetime through;
For if I love blossoms and meadows and walking,
I learn how to love them, dear mother, from you.


Words: Phyllis Luch, 1937–1995. © 1969 IRI

Music: Jeanne P. Lawler, b. 1924. © 1969 IRI