Closet Beasties (Everyones Got Them)

Sorry guy's this is a complete family type of post... this is essentially the big drama in my life. I'm writing this mainly for my little sister.

There is a secret in my family, it's surreal, hard to tell and who would guess. Is it that bad? No... it is not that bad.

It has to do with abuse, and it goes back, back, back several generations and who knows where it started or where it will end.

Some of its alcoholism, addiction, leaving it's traces even after the alcohol has dried up and is not in the blood of the current abuser.

Grandpa carried around scars, scars from World War II, scars from his dad (I don't know).

Grandpa was a drinker, I've seen pictures of everyone sitting around drinking alcohol. Down stairs at my parents house (the house my Dad grew up in) is a room with red carpet and a pink elephant (a light switch cover) - a celebration of Spirits. He was also a smoker... he gave these up (as well as coffee) when he joined the LDS church, but the attitude still stayed.

He had a way, of being right. So right that whatever you have done wrong (even things out of your control sometimes) shows your complete lack of a brain, your sheer stupidity.

He had a way of being indifferent to your successes, a depressing attitude that stole your happiness away.

How do I know, because it is a niggling little beastie that lives inside my Dad and it rears its ugly head, right at the apex of some success or happiness that you want to feel good about.

Some of it's betrayal, betrayal that has left its scars and has left its dependant behavior behind.

My Grandpa (My moms Dad) left, he was a trucker and so not there a lot anyway. He left my Grandma with 9 kids and married another lady.

My mom and all of her brothers and sisters still have scars from this. They didn't see him much, but when they did he would line them all up and hit them with a belt... for anything that they "might" have done while he was gone. He too was a drinker, and a smoker.

My mom has not gotten over it. She has talked about all of the terrible things that have happened to her ever since I can remember. It effects her every day, it creates an enabling personality, it just makes me sad.

She's always been depressed, never really there. She's worked since I was about 5 or 6 so I was a latch key kid. She might think I blame her for working... that is not the problem. It was not being there when she was there, constantly reading a book (now listening to a book and she's always exercising).

I don't blame her!! She's a good person and I love her with my whole heart. I just wish that the gaping hole that leaves her vulnerable could somehow be filled so that she could fill our needs, her children.

I wish I could somehow pull out the healing balm of Gilead to fill up her wounds.

It has left a mark on me, as bad as a slap except the mark will not go away. It is lessening with time, as I talk with more positive people, but it is a silent saboteur of self confidence, of happiness. It messes with my mind at the most unexpected moments.

The sad thing is, who do you blame? It is a living entity this monster called abuse and I for one am trying to kill it. I am trying to be happy despite it all, I fight the battles with the self doubt monsters in my mind all the time.

I just wish they could be fought all around... one of the biggest talents in my family is "not" talking.

We can have congenial conversations about ridiculous things (sometimes really fun and a bit strange) but there is no substance to them. We do not deal with things, issues stand as silent gremlins on the table over Sunday dinner and we make jokes about selling cans of air, or nothing in a box.

I had a dream, when I was really little. I walked down the basement stairs at the home I lived in for the first four or so years of my life, the home my mother grew up in and which my aunt lives in now. They are steep stairs, with unfinished drywall sheets hanging for walls.

My Uncle Chip drew a devilish figure on one of the sheets at some point and this particular basement always freaked me out.

So when I got to the bottom of the stairs I found that there was hot lava everywhere, and you had to step on the stone path way to cross over to the other side (out the back door I guess, over to freedom).

This is a game I played with my cousins I suppose since their basement was always dirty with clothing and other things strewn from the bottom of the stairs to the back door, perfect for hopping on.

But in my dream it was literally Hot Lava. I remember trying to lead my family. But my parents went their own way, my older brother listened and went the right way and my younger brother Daniel sat down on a rock and wouldn't move.

No amount of cajoling, no present I offered would get him to move. The lava was closing in around me and I wept as I thought about leaving him behind. Then I woke up, my heart pounding, because I couldn't deal with it...

It freaked me out and I tried really hard, as in my dream to help Daniel. He has gotten the brunt of my Dads abuse over the years, especially our early years. Dad was really down right terrible sometimes, blamed Daniel for everything.

I tried to write Daniel letters, encourage him, poured my heart out to try and heal his wounds. But I gave that roll over to his wife when he got married, but he's ruined that... moved back home messing the family dynamics even more.

Now Dad has a more general spread of negativity. He usually sulks, not saying anything (but somehow conveying his disapproval). I know he's tried to work on it, but sometimes the negative, though usually "right," monster comes out (like I guess it did tonight... I gather from my sisters blog).

I think about this, I think... "it's not up to me to "save" everyone." But that is how I feel sometimes, how I felt in the past.

But I had to let go and move on because the hot lava will scorch me, ruin everything in my life if I stay on that rock.

I am just sad that my little sister (mainly, I guess my little brother Evan as well, though he's in Evan land I don't even know what he's doing most of the time), but my sister... man she's stuck there.

All of this... is what I had to deal with when I made a bad choice at 16, got married had a baby (then another), I put all this stress on my family. So I felt guilty about it, in the past... but I don't anymore, I can see the big picture now.

Even after saying all of this, I must say how much I love my Dad!! I love him!! He helps out other people all of the time, he helps and doesn't ask for anything in return, he is generally a great guy!! Just wish the mean little monster that hangs around with him would go away.

Old Fashioned Pictures

My Grandparents look like the poster children for "Coke" in this picture (1940's)



(Grandpa was quite strong eh?)


These pictures were taken before Grandpa went off to war, WWII. My dad was born after the war, there is about a 10 year age difference between him and his brother.




These are of my Grandma as a Youth, she looks so beautiful!




These are of my Grandma, her friend and my Uncle Mo

Evolutions, going on a mission!!

We ran up to my parents house this morning to wish my little brother E good luck on his mission. He's going up to Salt Lake to help in the Church's Family History Center. It still hasn't sunk in that he's going to be gone for two years! My older brother Jono is taking it really hard, though he is happy Eis going on his mission, E has been the one who was closest to him. JB is Autistic (oh, yeah, uh, JB means Jono Bonono... don't know why we call him that). It is hard for him to relate to people, but he has always seemed to relate to E.

I love Evolution so much!! (My brother, not the theory)

He's such a funny kid! But he needs to get out, grow, learn. We will write him, and hopefully he will write us back! (He's not to good about that, or I guess we shall see).

So here are the quick, last minute pictures that we took to send him off. His good suits were packed away, funny, I never got to see him wear one of them.

Birthday Party

We went to my husbands little nieces 1st Birthday Party over the weekend, baby Sicilia!

I thought it nice to be hanging out with all my Tongan friends the day before my own Birthday!

I forgot my camera, but lucky for me my cousin in law Terina had her's with her (and it happens to be the exact same camera, so that's cool). Here are some photo's from the party! ;D

This was the grand table, with all the pigs! (Only the heads of the family's sat here)


This is Talanoa dancing the traditional Tongan Dance. Each family competes to see which dancer will earn the most money.



Here are my little fellow's!


Senita's Little Boy


Samu and Viliami With Eva's baby


Samu Lahi (Lahi means "Big"... did he seriously think a green suit looked good?)


Terina and her little boy Rye (She's the one who's camera I borrowed)


Rye


Roxie in all her frizzy haired glory!


Senita's adopted girl and baby daughter


This is the Birthday girl Sicilia and her beautiful mommy Pine


Senita, Toa, and Me (The Old School) ;D


Me


Me and Terina


Terina and I ;D


Me and Senita


Mahei (Aunt to baby Sicilia)



Mahei's Little Girl doing her dance




An Aunt Singing (Very Beautifully I might add)


My oldest


Birthday Flowers


Birthday Cake


Baby Sicilia in Tongan Style Mat


Sicilia and Her Daddy


Sicilia and Mahei


Angie and Crew

My Father

When you are with my Dad, you can rest assured that you will never be lost, while bumping along in the high mountain ranges.

When fishing with Dad, you are sure to catch large and plentiful amounts of fish.

It never takes him more than a minute to get a fire started (especially when he uses the home barbecue)

He can be seen in the early morning light out doing everything that needs to be done around the house (he never sleeps in).

He hates birds, especially pigeons, would never consider feeding them. For that matter he really hates dogs, and cats as well. He could certainly not be found telling tales of his old dog "Rebel" or "Blue."

OR NOT

So maybe, we get lost, wandering in the woods with Dad. Maybe we get "skunked" more than a few times when out fishing with Dad and maybe he battles the barbecue at times. Maybe he sleeps in (and doesn't get done as much as he could) and maybe there is so much bird seed over the driveway, that it crunches as you walk on it. That's just my dad.

Dad, dear old Dad (;p) what more could I say? He might not be perfect, but we love him anyway.

Conquering the Hill

This is the hill... you have seen pictures before I believe, but this bit is the worst part, the top of the hill!!

But, I have improved!! As of yesterday, I almost made it all of the way up!! :D:D

Where as I only made it 1/4 of the way up on the first day I tried, I only now have 1/4 of the way to go! ;D

This isn't consistent though, I sometimes get a little ways up, or I go further... I think it will take time to be consistent.

As for other new's, we sent my little girl a care package yesterday and today (and I think daddy snuck in pop and bubble gum, along with who knows what). So she's getting the family connection. :D

My boy's are being boy's, wrestling in the living room, with intermittent cries of "NO!! Mommy!" (This is usually coming from Sione) It gets annoying because they are not really calling me. I am going to tease them mercilessly when they get older about calling "Mommy" all the time.

Oh, and Sam has an opportunity to make some money!! Yeah!

His cousins that he worked for in 05' have recently gotten back in contact (or vice versa) and they offered him an opportunity to go out and work on a job in North Dakota! :D That is forever away, and they are driving, but at least he's going to be bringing home some money. :0)

So, that's all my newsy news. Angie is coming home tomorrow!! Yeah!! :D:D:D

Howdy All!!

Today, at about 10:26 am I realised... that Sam had the car and that I had an appointment for Angela at 11:00. I had missed the last one and feeling foolish I decided that we must make this appointment or die trying!! So we got on the newly fixed bikes (thanks Sam) and started out.

All was fine, a nice sunny day, lovely... then we came to the hill up to Orem. I asked Angie if they walk their bikes up the hill, nah, they ride them up. So I decided to try. :D:D:D Yep best decision I have ever made in my life. ;p

So about a quarter of the way up my heart, muscles, etc... all gave out and I was left panting while Angela leisurely peddled her way along. (How could she the wretch?) I got off the bike and walked!! Drank some water, and kept going.

We did make it to the appointment, and in a reasonable amount of time. SO it was worth it!! But I have decided that I need to exercise more (get off the extra pounds that I have been avoiding losing). ;p

Goal 18 pounds (though I would look alright if I lost 8).

Hmmm, to post or not to post a before picture, that is the question? I have one, it's not too bad, but still...

Alrighty, I will go with this one (notice how tall my daughter is!! 5'3" at 11 yrs. of age. I am only 5'3" (and 3/4...;p)!! Even my little sister towers over me at 5'6" or something like that, I have lost track with her ;p)

Lovely Piece of Writing, by My Grandmother

My Grandmother was a really neat lady, she gave this little tribute to my parents on their wedding day.

Angelia and Jon
By Angela Carter Cameron

I’ve tried to put in writing
Some things I’d like to say.
To this very lovely couple,
On this their wedding day.

Morris was nine when Jon was born,
And looking back now we can see.
The Lord wanted a very special spirit,
To send our family.

And special Jon has always been.
He brought us all such joy.
When he first came into our home.
Dad took charge of his baby boy.
He diapered, bathed and fed him,
Acted just like a mother.
Morris too, was very proud.
He now had a real live brother.

Jon often said such funny things.
The one I remember still.
Was the time he told his first grade class.
His Mother was mentally ill.
The reason – unrealistic fears;
The sight of a mouse brought hysterical tears.

With everyone he always gets along fine,
Especially the little folk,
“He’s the Pied Piper, followed by children.”
Is a common neighborhood joke.

He’s had quite a few accomplishments,
But the one most precious to me.
Is the role he played in making us
An Eternal family.

We’re so glad Angie Kay came into his life.
We were happy when he asked her to become his wife.
She’s the middle one in a family of nine.
The first time we met them, we knew it was fine.
To have our son join such a well knit clan.
We didn’t know then the romance had began.
They help one another – they feel it’s their duty.
And their love for their Mother,
Is a real thing of beauty.

Angie’s real special, but I’m warning you , Jon.
Her first day at school, she cried on and on.
There were two first grade rooms, she told her Mother.
The reason she cried – she wanted the other.

And then when she started attending third grade.
Her teacher, she said, was an ugly Old Maid.
When Mom went to visit, goodness gracious, alive!
Her teacher was beautiful – about twenty five.

Angie’s beautiful, spiritual, she cooks and she sews.
She’s gracious and kind and her good humor shows.
What more could a man ever want in a wife.
And we all know it isn’t just for this life.

Today in the Temple of The Lord, you see.
They were married for all time and eternity!

And now as you start the next phase of your journey along the sea of life, you should surround yourself with a fleet of ships to make the voyage successful. All of us here today are honored to share this festive occasion with you. We will deem it even a greater honor to be members of your crew on your good ship, friendship.

You have already been on board Courtship, but you have just barely reached the top of the gang plank. Don’t be afraid to express your love for each other, continue to go out and do fun things together. When children come into your lives, take time for just the two of you to get away once in a while. This ship along with her sister companionship should sail along together side by side all the rest of your lives.

Don’t neglect citizenship. Take an active part in community affairs. Get involved in politics, do your part to elect the right public officials. Our great country is at stake. Voting is not only your great privilidge, but your obligation.

Fellowship – our Prophet has told us we should all be missionaries. This is very true but many full time missionaries have reported it isn’t as hard to convert people to the gospel as it is to keep them active. Too many of us forget to show our love for all our fellow men – members and non-members, active and inactive, everyone needs our love and fellowship.

Hardship will no doubt be one of your vessels, but may it be the very smallest. And may you both be made even stronger for having endured the storm with it.

The mightiest of all will be the majestic Worship. To it you will go when the night is dark and the sea is rough. The Captain at its helm will guide and direct you in your darkest hour of need. Pray to him daily both individually and together, and live your lives worthy to have his Holy Spirit with you at all times for guidance and direction.

And now as you set your sails and determine your course, we wish you, smooth and happy sailing into the harbor of eternal joy.

Roxie's Incredibly Hard Day and Updates on All the Kids

Well, Roxie has been having a difficult day.

First of all, she couldn't get mommy to wear the sandals that she wanted mommy to wear. She stood in front of the mirror while I blew my hair dry, practicing her pouty crying face and egging herself on, I just kept laughing periodically at her (which made her mad!). ;D

The toilet at the public restroom scared the heck out of her by flushing, twice, while she was trying to go potty!!

She couldn't put her shoes on over the footie pajama's that she insisted on wearing!

The rose that brah, brah gave her had little thorns so she decided to destroy it.

Life is tough!!

Koli is playing baseball again this year, though he needs some new pant's because his old ones are too small!! (and who said he wasn't growing? Angie just grows so much that we miss it when Koli gets bigger)

Angela's hula teacher is starting a little technical class on Tahitian dance and wants Angie to be in it!! She's incredibly impressed by Angies improvement over the last little while and in fact so am I!! That girl works hard at learning her dances, it makes me very proud to see it. :D

Sione, has been writing stories about the cats (Koli is actually the main one doing this and Sione follows suit). He also writes stories involving him and our neighbor William though we all call him Berg for some reason, I asked his mom and she dosen't know either. Sione and Berg are Jedi Masters and when he draws pictures of them he makes them have enormous muscles!! (Funny Kid);p

Brought Roxie to the doctors...

Poor little thing has a real nasty ear infection... plus she had a waxy scabby thing in the other ear (the doctor cleared it out to peer in, and it started bleeding a lot, scared the heck out of me until we figured out that there was a little owie in there). She had already claimed a princess bandaid for the uh... owie on her knee. Plus a ring on the filing cabinent, and the doctor just couldn't help giving her a coloring book and a box of crayons. Dr. Clayton Jr. that is, his dad has been my pediatrician since I was a little baby. He is so soft spoken and has such a way with kids... and his son is the same way. Looks a lot like him and sounds much the same as his dad. As we walked out of the room Dr. Clayton Sr. was there, he gave me a big hug (always cares for the mom) then bade us come into the office were he has a drawer full of fluffy toy's. He found her a little lion (which he said had been crying for a hug) awww. these guys are so sappy sweet!! Roxie snuggled her toys as we walked home (the office is just across the river).

I have pictures but don't feel like uploading right now... :D

(I am so tired!!)

My Mother

My mother has not had a particularly easy time at life, she does so much for my kids and our little family though, even through her own trials. She said something that gave me pause on Sunday. I gave her a hug as she walked by and said "I love you mom," she said "at least somebody does." I wish she felt the love of our family a bit more than she does, I think we sometimes take her for granted and neglect telling her what she means to us.

She grew up in a family of nine, four girls, and five boys. My grandpa left the family at some point in time, he was a truck driver and he met another lady in another state and married her. When he would come home he would line all the kids up to hit them (for anything they might have done wrong).

Her brothers were mean, they punched her, ruined her stuff, called her names, mom's told us many stories about this. I think my grandma was not able to give enough attention to the large family (who could under these circumstances) she was struggling to survive, I know she made their clothes (mostly) and that they ate what they had available at the time. Mom's told us also of having to rework clothing in the latest style so that she wouldn't feel too bad about her clothes.

When we were little we lived with my grandma, I vaugely remember her, the lady who lived downstairs sewing all the time. The day after my fourth birthday my grandma was killed by a drunk driver, when my mom and she were out for a walk. All I remember about this is that they wouldn't let me into the funeral, kept me outside to play, but I knew something was wrong, didn't feel like playing.

We moved shortly afterwards to a duplex apartment (two connected apartments) which had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room, family room and a basement. Plus it had a fair sized back yard (with woods beyond that). There we stayed for the next 20 or so years (though I moved out eventually).

This was a major source of stress for my mom, it was a large duplex yes, but the landlord didn't fix one thing when we lived there and my dad often neglegted things (he struggles with ADD and doesn't finish what he starts).

My mom had a longing for a house that I felt from the time that I was really little, it was frustrating to her to be living in that duplex, her frustration became my frustration though for the most part I loved my little room and the backyard. I was glad when I could finally move out. Eventually after my grandparents passed away, they moved up to their home, so she has a house, just not her dream house.

After my grandmother died my mother would walk for miles and miles, she was so depressed. I too was depressed (my depression had to do with Celiacs disease.)

At some point she had to go to work, my dad struggles with ADD. It was hard for him to work within the confines of a desk in a big office. He worked and still works with his friends doing heating and air conditioning installation.

So we became latch key children, in some ways a good thing because of all the adventures that we had together, in other ways bad because my mom just didn't seem to be there. She would come home and read exhausted from work. I missed her, all-though I know she had to work, I accepted that.

Her depression showed itself in her weight, which she has struggled with for many years. Perhaps this is why after joining Weight Watchers with me and losing the weight she was scared to let go of that when I did, and we've struggled with the issue a bit ever since (I let go of "points" and just eat as much unrefined foods as I feel like).

For a long time, I used to wish I could change the way things were in my family. The way my dad talked to us, the way things never seemed to get done, and I have had all sorts of ideas about how my mom could improve. I've learned that it is pointless to dwell on these things, my parents are the way they are, and they are not going to change unless they feel like changing.

My mom, through all of this has still been a really good mom. She's one of the kindest people that I know, she has helped me to be able to get an education. Not an easy thing since she still had my little brothers and sister at home when I got married at such a young age, bringing new children into a now cramped duplex apartment. She watched my children, so that I could grow up. She didn't really take over their care, but she gave me a chance to grow up despite my circumstances.

She's also helped me throughout the years to learn to sew (somewhat). I remember a quilt that she made me when I went to 5th grade camp (my own daughter is going in a few short weeks), I know she used to make some of my clothes when I was younger.

Plus she made my wedding dress (with extra room for my baby, which ended up being a bit silly because I carry my baby's so well that no one can really tell I am pregnant until I am about to deliver).

She made many of our Halloween costumes (I will show you a couple of costumes she made me below). Plus she made a lot of our cakes, (and still makes a "bear cake" for every baby's first birthday).

In fact she has made all of our holidays and celebrations special.

My mom has also listened to me over the years, listened as I cried over things that I couldn't change.

and she still makes a fantastic Sunday dinner every week to share with our family.

I also remember many exciting adventures in hair maintainence that I shared with my mom. She used to give my hair permanents "to give it body, cause' it was so thin" (not a problem now, it's just the opposite). I remember, student hair stlyists and the amazing job they did on my hair (once bleached a little bit too bleach bottle blonde, once very poodle like - I think in fourth grade).

Plus my mom has always been the one to get us ready to go camping, planning it all, packing things up, unpacking. She has always been the uncomplaining stalwart of getting things cleaned up around the house and she still is.

What I hope my mom realises, is that I love her and I know my brothers and sister love her. She has said that she feels like she has failed, no, to me she has succeeded. She has fought unseen battles, battles that no one could help her with. She did have to work, she had to do it, that is the reality of what our circumstances required from her.

Plus battles with depression are very, very real, I know I have battled depression. Depression makes life ten times harder than it should be. I think that when she is standing before the Savior to be judged that she will have a very high pedestal for the admirable work she has done in this life. Plus I hope my own daughters can forgive me for my failings and shortcomings.

I want to say again, "I Love you Mom!!" With big super emphasis, because she is a lady that deserves all the love in the world.

Mom & Dad



My Wedding Dress



One of the costumes that she made for me (for some reason I wanted to be a worm for the Fourth of July childrens parade. This costume was reincarnated later as a rattlesnake for my brother).



I wanted to be a 50's girl and she made me a poodle skirt and somehow found the right shoes.



Strawberry Shortcake Birthday Cake



Poodle Hair (We are playing a Nintendo, probably Mario)