Growing Up

Growing up

As a society we fear in a way the grown-up world. It is a place of responsibility, sometimes a place of drudgery and pain. We live in denial thinking that childhood, naivety and ignorance is the ideal state.

Yet childhood is often not what we make it out to be, even in this age where we idealize childhood there are children who suffer from set-backs, a loss of home and family, and a loss of trust.

What then is the ideal state? I think that it is facing reality head on. Recognizing that life isn't all sunshine and lolly pops. I think the ideal state takes into account our failings as well as the failings of others and accepts them as a part of life. I think it's ideal when we recognize the need to take care of ourselves and others. That even when you've failed or when others have failed you, that there are opportunities for good in that failure.

Sometimes discretion is better than openness. Sometimes anger is a good thing, especially when not showing anger makes you seem indecisive and/or weak.

That's a revelation that has been hard for me to learn, that anger can be a good thing. So often I've subverted my anger and tried to admit faults when I've been confronted. This recently has made me seem dishonest when I was trying to be completely honest. This is where discretion should come in and make us think about what the impact of our words will be and to decide what is really relevant to the current situation.

Adulthood, I think, should be a time when we are mastering the intricacies of human behavior, basically learning wisdom. That is something that the world needs a bit more of.

~SG

Nutrition and Emotions

Over the years I have come to an understanding about food and how my body reacts to what I eat. I've blogged at length about my experiences, sometimes writing in more detail than at others.

Most of the time I think my emotional state is at an even temper. Not dramatically high or low. Sometimes (during that time of month) I can get emotionally out of whack, and other times when I've eaten too many milk products/and or sweets I get a bit distressed (sometimes really distressed, like when I ate a lot of yogurt). It's really hard to remember that sometimes...

I'm writing about this because I'm not sure what to do when someone else's emotions and paranoia crash into me and I'm left dumbfounded because I don't know how to explain why they are paranoid and accusing me of things that I didn't do. 

Hard won experience is a package that is difficult to share with others. Most of the time they don't understand why you relate what you do... and sometimes what we think we know is right is not... 

Has anyone else noticed a change in mood from eating different foods?

My Blog Is About...

Up to this point I've made assertions that I am a writer; that I have a writers soul, spirit etc. but I find that from 2009 until now I have written in bits and spurts and haven't been consistent.

Part of that is because I've gone through emotional trauma that made me reluctant to share what I was thinking and only wrote in depressing bursts of sadness. Part of the problem has been sheer business, working, going to school, moving, getting married. Part a lack of confidence in my ability to produce interesting articles and embarrassment over past content on my blog which left me debating whether or not I should simply shut it down and start over.

What is done is done though so I shall let it be.

My MBA is progressing, 2 more semesters and that part of my life will be finished.

Last night was our family Christmas party we had it at the clubhouse of my cousin and it was as loud as ever. I brought butter and left with cookies and Brandon Sanderson books. Yay! :)

Today I'm watching "Girl Meets World" with my little girl. It's a really sweet (but unrealistic) version of childhood.

So this is the point at which my posts get aimless. I don't want to write about everything that's happened to me for however long since I last wrote... and I don't quite think that I've written enough to have this count as a valid post.

It's silly really, maybe I should write about specific things on specific days. I've seen other bloggers do those types of posts and it seems to work out for them. Maybe I'm aimless because this particular blog is more like a journal and doesn't really have a purpose.

My reflections are a way to cast back, mirror and consider what I'm doing in life. To remark and observe on what is happening in the world.

My reflections are somewhat a measure of how I've changed over the years, and where I am going.

SG

Psychology Test via. Jussi

List your fave animal, color, object, body of water.  Then for each list 4 adjectives to describe each.

Favorite Animal – Cat

-          Graceful

-          Confident

-          Aloof

-          Furry

Color – Light Mauve

-          Calm

-          Happy

-          Classy

-          Elegant

Object – My books

-          Thought

-          Advancement

-          Reflection

-          Understanding

Body of Water – The river

-          Wild

-          Changing

-          Earthy

-          Restorative

Animal tends to be how you think others see you, color is how you see yourself, object is how you see the world in general, body of water is how you see a relationship/love/sex.

My Son is a Missionary

It's over, it has been 19 some years since I learned that I was pregnant. Shock, fear, dismay, and shame were my companion from that moment, and I'm not sure when they left. They eventually did, but in their place was the difficulty of living. Trying to find meaning and purpose, fighting against depression and despair and fighting to get an education all of these years and now my son is grown up and he's left. I dropped him off at the MTC today.

I know in a way it sounds foolish and selfish of me to be so sad about having come through all of that with a bunch of really good kids. Very foolish indeed since so many people have their kids lost through foolish things, drugs, crime etc. I think a part of why I'm upset though is that I've put them off, I put socializing off... until a day when I feel better, or when I'm not busy. I've had so many things I wanted to get done that just being with people has been difficult. I need to engage with people more yet I still have school to finish, and stuff to learn...

It was easier when they were little. They were around, they played together and I made them food. I was their mommy. I miss my kids. I am lonely. 

Trying to stay Focused

I've toyed off and on with the idea of trying to make money from blogging. It seems to me that when I do things disingenuously they don't get very far. I think perhaps that's partly what's wrong with me at work. It's not that I don't try to work hard, it's just that I don't enjoy being there, I don't feel like myself.

Perhaps blogging is an art form that I haven't mastered yet. I write whatever is on my mind, like a journal entry and then publish it. Perhaps I need a bit more discipline than that, a set writing schedule or interest.

Today I'm trying to work out what to do with myself since it seems like my boss is in the process of firing me. I've been too inconsistent at work and not happy that they only focus on what seems to me minor errors that are caught by the weekly recons that are created and easily fixed. Thus when they focused on these things every week I disliked hearing it and didn't take what they said seriously enough.

I think words are powerful. The words running through your head determine the world that you live in, I truly believe that. As such I'm a bit superstitious, when it comes to what I write... I guess I'm really superstitious.

Sometimes I fear that I will hurt someone I love by my words, I fear writing the bald truth of how I'm feeling at one moment or another because I know that words can hurt. I also know that feelings are not fixed, they change.

I find it hard to concentrate sometimes on one subject. I'm interested in so many things. So I hop around when I'm trying to complete a task, like now... I've hoped around to several tabs and read through things, updated another thing, checked FB...

So if I want to seriously consider blogging or some other form of freelance work. I will need to find a way to stay on task. Stay focused on a few points of interest rather than hoping all over the place... at least until I've finished my thought.

SG

State of Being at Work

To me they speak, of me they talk
in the background, where I cannot hear
a line of reasoning, I cannot follow
a hope of respect slipping out of my grasp
the harder I try to hold on
the further
it slips

What would I do if...?

What would I do if money was not an issue?

First of all, I would spend time with my kids helping them to learn about whatever they wanted to learn about.

Last night I had the most horrible dream. I was on some kind of bike I think, peddling as hard as I could to get to work. My daughter was hanging around my neck and crying, I held on to her tightly. I got to the meeting and sat near the back and chatted with the people around me. Another kid was crying and I commented on how difficult they were to sooth sometimes. I was so happy to have my daughter with me. Then I was sliding down these snow hills trying to commute to work. Things were going OK for a while and I had a conversation with an ex boyfriend about the snow hills. Then the snow kept getting thinner and thinner. At the end of the snow hill my grownup son asked me to read him a story. I realized that he had grown up, that he was leaving me and longed for my little boy. I woke up feeling so sad, realizing that my children are growing up and I can't be there for them because I'm at work.

I would create crazy projects, I would take toys from around the house and make them into other things.

I would have fun. How long has it been?

I would cook different foods. Make up recipes, sing in the kitchen.

I would buy a cosy little house with a back yard that had a little copse of trees and perhaps a little stream.

I would decorate my little home.

I would spend my time reading and writing stuff, learning whatever I wanted.

That's all for now...

SG

I need to write...

It's been about a year since I wrote something here. A lot has happened. I started school, I got engaged, I moved our family in with my Fiance, I got married, I went to Ireland with my mom, sister and daughter. I've been sick off and on and it's affected my performance at work and at school.

My performance at work is the most troubling. During my weekly 1:1 meeting my manager told me that he's bringing in HR. It's what I feared, what I've been worrying about... the question is, did my own worries about this happening somehow manifest? Like the book "The Secret" suggests would happen. Or did I just read the situation correctly? I think it's the later rather than the former.

Geez I've forgotten how difficult it is to put my thoughts into words.

I think a lot. Things naturally flow from one thought to another and bounce around in my head, circling around and it's hard to make them stop. Especially when they are creating more anxiety.

With these 1:1 sessions my manager brings up errors, to me they are a reflection of how healthy I've been. When I feel well the error rate is low, when I feel like crap the errors are higher. At the moment I feel good, thus the errors are lower.

How do I explain this to HR? My manager? They don't care what has caused the problem... er I don't know maybe HR does. I hope.

I explain the reasons for my problems to my sweetheart and he dives into explanations about avoiding saying certain things to HR, sounding negative...

The thing is, I dislike the anxiety, A LOT. I hate not knowing what to expect out of this situation.

I guess I just need to improve, keep my error rate low... sleep more so that I will be better at my job.

SG

Strep Throat Gone - Starting SCD Diet

The week after my last post was a long and arduous one. I spent a lot of time in bed, drank a lot of bone broth, took as many healing herbs that I had on hand (golden seal, oregano oil, thieves oil, echinachia, and garlic), by the end of the week I felt almost better. The week after I felt pretty good, I followed a link for an upcoming discussion on digestive issues and constipation, paid $40 dollars for a seat at the seminar table and then paid for the book and meal plans that they offered (another $105). I took a plunge and spent the little remaining money I had on the foods in the meal plan and lo and behold the next day I felt really good!

Today is day 5. I have spread the word about the diet far and wide. I gave the meal plan to Sam since he really suffers from poor diet choices. Sent the .pdf files I bought to my cousin, friend, mom and boyfriend. I hope that it will work the same way for them as it did for me. I'm a bit worried that it will work differently for others than it did for me, since I went through a week of detox and cleansing by struggling with and recovering from Strep Throat... but Sam reports this morning that he feels good after only a few meals. I'm hopeful that it works well for others, a lot of people have had success in healing by following it.

In any case, I am at work and I feel good. SO shelling out my hard earned dollars was worth it. I've spent a lot of money on supplements and I'm hopeful that with the diet my digestion will improve enough that I won't have to do that anymore. :)

~SG