Hello Internet Diary,
Let's talk for a moment about fallibility, the mistakes that we make throughout life and sometimes continue to make even when we know the consequences and dislike the consequences.
For instance, I know that milk is devilish to my intestines (still not positive about raw milk but that's for a future exploratory post). Even though I know it's bad for me I sometimes get to a point where I figure that enough time has passed that things will be different if I eat products with milk in them or drink products with milk in them. Especially yogurt, it just sounds so wholesome and wonderful that I feel like I should be OK consuming milk products that have been fermented. So I start small, a bit of cheese, then a bit more, some yogurt... granted it does seem to be OK in small doses but when I fully embrace milk products again at some point in the consumption of them I've crossed the line and they mess with me. It's not good.
So now having established that I sometimes do a bit of self delusion this is what is really on my mind. Doing S#*t that we know is wrong but think it will be OK this time around. I think we all know when we're starting down that road, for me it starts from some trigger... my biggest trigger is loneliness. I know that I have put off developing close friendships because I have been focusing on school (something I've been focusing on for most of my life and higher Ed for almost 2 decades!)
23 years from 1983 - 2006 '83 (Head Start), '84 - '90 Elementary, '90 - '93 Jr. High, '93 - '97 High School '96 - '06 College (off and on)
8 Year break from May 2006 - July 2014
1 year 11 months 21 days from 8/1/2014 (I started my MBA in August 2014) to now.
That means that I have been in school for roughly 25 of my 37 years.
I guess I need to learn how to make friends, even when I am busy.
Problem is that I really need to discuss things with people to form deep relationships, that's my preference, and modern life really doesn't accommodate that.
My closest relationships are with my family and even then I've distanced myself from them to study. The absolute closest relationships that I have formed have been with the men that I've loved. I tend to want to hang on to those relationships, I value them. Unfortunately moving on and forming a strong relationship with a new man means that I need to give up those prior relationships. Let all of those close relationships go.
So, if my current relationship is difficult and I don't feel the closeness that I need I tend to feel alone. I've made mistakes in past relationships and I have learned from them. I should have learned from all of the life that I've lived, right!? I have. But learning to stay with the feelings of lonesomeness and sadness without acting out in negative ways has been trying. I tend to stay up too late, not sleep well and wake up late w/o feeling refreshed. I tend to try and distract myself by watching too much TV (instead of studying or exercising like I should) and my mind circles around in frustration.
I guess it's a part of life, learning to deal with loneliness, but I sure hate it.
~SG
Let's talk for a moment about fallibility, the mistakes that we make throughout life and sometimes continue to make even when we know the consequences and dislike the consequences.
For instance, I know that milk is devilish to my intestines (still not positive about raw milk but that's for a future exploratory post). Even though I know it's bad for me I sometimes get to a point where I figure that enough time has passed that things will be different if I eat products with milk in them or drink products with milk in them. Especially yogurt, it just sounds so wholesome and wonderful that I feel like I should be OK consuming milk products that have been fermented. So I start small, a bit of cheese, then a bit more, some yogurt... granted it does seem to be OK in small doses but when I fully embrace milk products again at some point in the consumption of them I've crossed the line and they mess with me. It's not good.
So now having established that I sometimes do a bit of self delusion this is what is really on my mind. Doing S#*t that we know is wrong but think it will be OK this time around. I think we all know when we're starting down that road, for me it starts from some trigger... my biggest trigger is loneliness. I know that I have put off developing close friendships because I have been focusing on school (something I've been focusing on for most of my life and higher Ed for almost 2 decades!)
23 years from 1983 - 2006 '83 (Head Start), '84 - '90 Elementary, '90 - '93 Jr. High, '93 - '97 High School '96 - '06 College (off and on)
8 Year break from May 2006 - July 2014
1 year 11 months 21 days from 8/1/2014 (I started my MBA in August 2014) to now.
That means that I have been in school for roughly 25 of my 37 years.
I guess I need to learn how to make friends, even when I am busy.
Problem is that I really need to discuss things with people to form deep relationships, that's my preference, and modern life really doesn't accommodate that.
My closest relationships are with my family and even then I've distanced myself from them to study. The absolute closest relationships that I have formed have been with the men that I've loved. I tend to want to hang on to those relationships, I value them. Unfortunately moving on and forming a strong relationship with a new man means that I need to give up those prior relationships. Let all of those close relationships go.
So, if my current relationship is difficult and I don't feel the closeness that I need I tend to feel alone. I've made mistakes in past relationships and I have learned from them. I should have learned from all of the life that I've lived, right!? I have. But learning to stay with the feelings of lonesomeness and sadness without acting out in negative ways has been trying. I tend to stay up too late, not sleep well and wake up late w/o feeling refreshed. I tend to try and distract myself by watching too much TV (instead of studying or exercising like I should) and my mind circles around in frustration.
I guess it's a part of life, learning to deal with loneliness, but I sure hate it.
~SG
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