So... I have been thinking about body issues. I guess because my damn body seems to get fat or skinny of it's own accord. A couple of months ago (before I started taking Lialda to control my Ulcerative colitis) I had dropped down to near 145 which is a pretty good weight for me. Then I started the medicine, my hormones went out of whack (I don't know if it's correlated) and I started gaining weight. Doctor said that's a good thing, right? Means my gut is healing and I'm absorbing my nutrients. Yes... Good is no more bleeding, no not good that I'm gaining weight. So bleh, suddenly I am back in my chubby jeans. Then again... It's not like I'm really fat. I'm a bit chubby. You know what? My body reminds me of paintings of the ideal pre-modern woman. I'm not even going to pretend to know what century Michelangelo painted in. But yeah... Paintings from his time. I saw a picture of a bunch of ladies standing naked before the RNC holding up mirrors in a symbolic gesture. Set up by a photographer. Every one of those ladies bodies were different. Even skinny bodies didn't look like they were "supposed to". So... Why can't I just live, self confident... Happy? I try... But sometimes I hate on myself.
Which brings me to think about what the f I am doing with my life. I want to know how to do so many things... Dirty little secret... It's because I want to feel competent. I want respect.
Don't get me wrong. I recognize these body issues, I recognize why I want to know things and what is motivating me... I'm proud of myself for working so hard on improving my life.
But if I could do anything I wanted. I would read, paint... Dance. I would have a house to build stuff in. A studio to sing my heart out. I would cook. I'm trying to do that kind of stuff anyway... I will do more of it after school is finished. And I will get in shape.
But for now I am limping along (literally, my knees hurt) and I will keep searching for happiness.
SG
Which brings me to think about what the f I am doing with my life. I want to know how to do so many things... Dirty little secret... It's because I want to feel competent. I want respect.
Don't get me wrong. I recognize these body issues, I recognize why I want to know things and what is motivating me... I'm proud of myself for working so hard on improving my life.
But if I could do anything I wanted. I would read, paint... Dance. I would have a house to build stuff in. A studio to sing my heart out. I would cook. I'm trying to do that kind of stuff anyway... I will do more of it after school is finished. And I will get in shape.
But for now I am limping along (literally, my knees hurt) and I will keep searching for happiness.
SG
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