Little Lovely Thoughts

My lovely friends Mandi and Sorina stopped by to give me a birthday present today, I am so glad that they still work here at Adobe because even with working in the same building I hardly see them. What a sad state of things, that work and school have so much more draw on my time than building lasting friendships.

I want to be connected with other people, through thought and speech and time. But I am building up these skills for work and that doesn't seem to leave me time for what I want.

There are so many interesting things to think about, to talk about. I think that's why I loved my English and Philosophy classes when I was doing my undergrad. At least I've got some things planned for after I graduate, I'm going to hang out with my cousin tomorrow then perhaps take my daughter to the movies. Graduation on August 13th, then lunch with my friends the Tuesday after. Then we have planned a graduation party, nothing too wild. ;)

SG

Searching for happiness... Body issues

So... I have been thinking about body issues. I guess because my damn body seems to get fat or skinny of it's own accord. A couple of months ago (before I started taking Lialda to control my Ulcerative colitis) I had dropped down to near 145 which is a pretty good weight for me. Then I started the medicine, my hormones went out of whack (I don't know if it's correlated) and I started gaining weight. Doctor said that's a good thing, right? Means my gut is healing and I'm absorbing my nutrients. Yes... Good is no more bleeding, no not good that I'm gaining weight. So bleh, suddenly I am back in my chubby jeans. Then again... It's not like I'm really fat. I'm a bit chubby. You know what? My body reminds me of paintings of the ideal pre-modern woman. I'm not even going to pretend to know what century Michelangelo painted in. But yeah... Paintings from his time. I saw a picture of a bunch of ladies standing naked before the RNC holding up mirrors in a symbolic gesture. Set up by a photographer. Every one of those ladies bodies were different. Even skinny bodies didn't look like they were "supposed to". So... Why can't I just live, self confident... Happy? I try... But sometimes I hate on myself.

Which brings me to think about what the f I am doing with my life. I want to know how to do so many things... Dirty little secret... It's because I want to feel competent. I want respect.

Don't get me wrong. I recognize these body issues, I recognize why I want to know things and what is motivating me... I'm proud of myself for working so hard on improving my life.

But if I could do anything I wanted. I would read, paint... Dance. I would have a house to build stuff in. A studio to sing my heart out. I would cook.  I'm trying to do that kind of stuff anyway... I will do more of it after school is finished. And I will get in shape.

But for now I am limping along (literally, my knees hurt) and I will keep searching for happiness.

SG

Almost Done! Almost done!

I have something like 45 days left of school! Hallelujah!

It is going to be a big relief. For some reason though I've always found myself feeling ambivalent when I've finished these types of long schooling adventures. I wonder if I learned enough, I worry that I will be expected to know a lot more than I do.

In this case... I've been so much behind through the whole thing that I feel quite a bit of ambivalence.

No matter, it's almost over!

At the moment I've got a migraine. I dropped by Sprouts after work and bought chocolate. I feel it's a valid solution. The store was packed (never shop at Sprouts on a Thursday... They give a student discount so it's always packed on Thursday)

It doesn't help that I had weird dreams last night.

Well that is it for this exciting update. More later. TTYL

Strawberry Girl 

Vivid Lion Dream

So last night I had an incredibly vivid dream about lions. First a female lion was chasing me and I was climbing up through some building to try and get away from her. Then I realized that her partner was out there too. I was with other people and I felt like I needed to keep them safe. We pass through this dark hallway and encounter the female lion on the other side. At first I am sure we were dead, but then she lays down and seems to not be a threat anymore. But she warns us that the male is still out there. It was so vivid. I told Panda about it and he told me I was murmuring in my sleep. Then I get to work and load up K's videos, 2 lions, 1 licking his paws after a bloody meal, the other a female stalking from side to side.

Growing Up

Growing up

As a society we fear in a way the grown-up world. It is a place of responsibility, sometimes a place of drudgery and pain. We live in denial thinking that childhood, naivety and ignorance is the ideal state.

Yet childhood is often not what we make it out to be, even in this age where we idealize childhood there are children who suffer from set-backs, a loss of home and family, and a loss of trust.

What then is the ideal state? I think that it is facing reality head on. Recognizing that life isn't all sunshine and lolly pops. I think the ideal state takes into account our failings as well as the failings of others and accepts them as a part of life. I think it's ideal when we recognize the need to take care of ourselves and others. That even when you've failed or when others have failed you, that there are opportunities for good in that failure.

Sometimes discretion is better than openness. Sometimes anger is a good thing, especially when not showing anger makes you seem indecisive and/or weak.

That's a revelation that has been hard for me to learn, that anger can be a good thing. So often I've subverted my anger and tried to admit faults when I've been confronted. This recently has made me seem dishonest when I was trying to be completely honest. This is where discretion should come in and make us think about what the impact of our words will be and to decide what is really relevant to the current situation.

Adulthood, I think, should be a time when we are mastering the intricacies of human behavior, basically learning wisdom. That is something that the world needs a bit more of.

~SG

Nutrition and Emotions

Over the years I have come to an understanding about food and how my body reacts to what I eat. I've blogged at length about my experiences, sometimes writing in more detail than at others.

Most of the time I think my emotional state is at an even temper. Not dramatically high or low. Sometimes (during that time of month) I can get emotionally out of whack, and other times when I've eaten too many milk products/and or sweets I get a bit distressed (sometimes really distressed, like when I ate a lot of yogurt). It's really hard to remember that sometimes...

I'm writing about this because I'm not sure what to do when someone else's emotions and paranoia crash into me and I'm left dumbfounded because I don't know how to explain why they are paranoid and accusing me of things that I didn't do. 

Hard won experience is a package that is difficult to share with others. Most of the time they don't understand why you relate what you do... and sometimes what we think we know is right is not... 

Has anyone else noticed a change in mood from eating different foods?

My Blog Is About...

Up to this point I've made assertions that I am a writer; that I have a writers soul, spirit etc. but I find that from 2009 until now I have written in bits and spurts and haven't been consistent.

Part of that is because I've gone through emotional trauma that made me reluctant to share what I was thinking and only wrote in depressing bursts of sadness. Part of the problem has been sheer business, working, going to school, moving, getting married. Part a lack of confidence in my ability to produce interesting articles and embarrassment over past content on my blog which left me debating whether or not I should simply shut it down and start over.

What is done is done though so I shall let it be.

My MBA is progressing, 2 more semesters and that part of my life will be finished.

Last night was our family Christmas party we had it at the clubhouse of my cousin and it was as loud as ever. I brought butter and left with cookies and Brandon Sanderson books. Yay! :)

Today I'm watching "Girl Meets World" with my little girl. It's a really sweet (but unrealistic) version of childhood.

So this is the point at which my posts get aimless. I don't want to write about everything that's happened to me for however long since I last wrote... and I don't quite think that I've written enough to have this count as a valid post.

It's silly really, maybe I should write about specific things on specific days. I've seen other bloggers do those types of posts and it seems to work out for them. Maybe I'm aimless because this particular blog is more like a journal and doesn't really have a purpose.

My reflections are a way to cast back, mirror and consider what I'm doing in life. To remark and observe on what is happening in the world.

My reflections are somewhat a measure of how I've changed over the years, and where I am going.

SG

Psychology Test via. Jussi

List your fave animal, color, object, body of water.  Then for each list 4 adjectives to describe each.

Favorite Animal – Cat

-          Graceful

-          Confident

-          Aloof

-          Furry

Color – Light Mauve

-          Calm

-          Happy

-          Classy

-          Elegant

Object – My books

-          Thought

-          Advancement

-          Reflection

-          Understanding

Body of Water – The river

-          Wild

-          Changing

-          Earthy

-          Restorative

Animal tends to be how you think others see you, color is how you see yourself, object is how you see the world in general, body of water is how you see a relationship/love/sex.

My Son is a Missionary

It's over, it has been 19 some years since I learned that I was pregnant. Shock, fear, dismay, and shame were my companion from that moment, and I'm not sure when they left. They eventually did, but in their place was the difficulty of living. Trying to find meaning and purpose, fighting against depression and despair and fighting to get an education all of these years and now my son is grown up and he's left. I dropped him off at the MTC today.

I know in a way it sounds foolish and selfish of me to be so sad about having come through all of that with a bunch of really good kids. Very foolish indeed since so many people have their kids lost through foolish things, drugs, crime etc. I think a part of why I'm upset though is that I've put them off, I put socializing off... until a day when I feel better, or when I'm not busy. I've had so many things I wanted to get done that just being with people has been difficult. I need to engage with people more yet I still have school to finish, and stuff to learn...

It was easier when they were little. They were around, they played together and I made them food. I was their mommy. I miss my kids. I am lonely. 

Trying to stay Focused

I've toyed off and on with the idea of trying to make money from blogging. It seems to me that when I do things disingenuously they don't get very far. I think perhaps that's partly what's wrong with me at work. It's not that I don't try to work hard, it's just that I don't enjoy being there, I don't feel like myself.

Perhaps blogging is an art form that I haven't mastered yet. I write whatever is on my mind, like a journal entry and then publish it. Perhaps I need a bit more discipline than that, a set writing schedule or interest.

Today I'm trying to work out what to do with myself since it seems like my boss is in the process of firing me. I've been too inconsistent at work and not happy that they only focus on what seems to me minor errors that are caught by the weekly recons that are created and easily fixed. Thus when they focused on these things every week I disliked hearing it and didn't take what they said seriously enough.

I think words are powerful. The words running through your head determine the world that you live in, I truly believe that. As such I'm a bit superstitious, when it comes to what I write... I guess I'm really superstitious.

Sometimes I fear that I will hurt someone I love by my words, I fear writing the bald truth of how I'm feeling at one moment or another because I know that words can hurt. I also know that feelings are not fixed, they change.

I find it hard to concentrate sometimes on one subject. I'm interested in so many things. So I hop around when I'm trying to complete a task, like now... I've hoped around to several tabs and read through things, updated another thing, checked FB...

So if I want to seriously consider blogging or some other form of freelance work. I will need to find a way to stay on task. Stay focused on a few points of interest rather than hoping all over the place... at least until I've finished my thought.

SG