I have come to a point in my life where I am tired of the tendency that I have had to fear, fear what others will think of me as I speak, fear of reprisal, fear of choice and what that will mean for me and others.
In fact that is one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to give a positive answer to my kids about whether or not they could go up to the "anime" bonsai on Saturday. I am constantly afraid for their welfare, I don't want them to get hurt, or to become so wrapped up in anime that they lose sight of other things in their lives. That is the fear of letting them get on the computer as well, what will they come across? Will they waste their time on the computer and not attend to other things?
and I fear to make choices very quickly, there is so much information out there that I get overwhelmed. I have to study things out in my mind and then if I am distracted I get nervous and I get anxious when forced to go with some decision or another without giving it quite a bit of thought and attention.
In fact the pattern for my life has been based on that, with some notable exceptions.
I spent a great deal of time deciding what type of diet would be good for me. I am not a trend dieter. I spent months pouring over diet and health advice before coming to the point that I am at now. I eliminated foods, had my blood tested for allergies, sent off for a test for celiacs disease, all with the hope of being able to be sure that what I did and ate was right for me. Maybe that sounds a bit insane, but the pay off was well worth it because I have a context from which I can buy food... I know what I can eat and cook with and I avoid the foods which cause an allergic reaction in me. Which is good because it is difficult to do anything if your mind is not clear. Bad because in some ways ignorance is bliss and you can basically eat anything you feel like and go along in a happy state of self deception saying "well, as long as I don't eat too much..." or "eh, I don't really believe that... allergies, bah!"
Comfortable self deception indeed.
Yet frustrating as well, in that when you get fat, when you don't feel good, when you can't think clearly, when you get headaches... all unexplainably... and you go with conventional wisdom (ie, what the doctors say... what the internet says... what your neighbor says) then things are out of your control, it is blamed on an unexplainable other and the responsibility for how you look and feel is given away to convention.
Well, I believe the responsibility to be my own, so that is why I intensely study things out.
Along these same lines (to me) is the question of religion. I was brought up in the LDS faith, though everything was inconsistently followed at home. Dad would say one thing, do another, teach empathetically on one principle or another then do the subtle opposite. So all that was unsettling to say the least. He incidentally is the same way with food he takes tons of vitamins and supplement and then eats what he pleases (sometimes) sometimes he has a really relevant healthy diet.
So at this point, I am going to undertake a concerted study, of religion, of ethics. Because I am tired of not being able to be confident in what I am saying. In some ways I am, and I do know what I am saying... but a lot of the whys are missing and then I can't explain things to my kids so I don't know what to say and they are not getting guidance from me.
I don't know how long this is going to take, but I have to start and see where it leads me. I have to vanquish the fear by studying to be sure...
In fact that is one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to give a positive answer to my kids about whether or not they could go up to the "anime" bonsai on Saturday. I am constantly afraid for their welfare, I don't want them to get hurt, or to become so wrapped up in anime that they lose sight of other things in their lives. That is the fear of letting them get on the computer as well, what will they come across? Will they waste their time on the computer and not attend to other things?
and I fear to make choices very quickly, there is so much information out there that I get overwhelmed. I have to study things out in my mind and then if I am distracted I get nervous and I get anxious when forced to go with some decision or another without giving it quite a bit of thought and attention.
In fact the pattern for my life has been based on that, with some notable exceptions.
I spent a great deal of time deciding what type of diet would be good for me. I am not a trend dieter. I spent months pouring over diet and health advice before coming to the point that I am at now. I eliminated foods, had my blood tested for allergies, sent off for a test for celiacs disease, all with the hope of being able to be sure that what I did and ate was right for me. Maybe that sounds a bit insane, but the pay off was well worth it because I have a context from which I can buy food... I know what I can eat and cook with and I avoid the foods which cause an allergic reaction in me. Which is good because it is difficult to do anything if your mind is not clear. Bad because in some ways ignorance is bliss and you can basically eat anything you feel like and go along in a happy state of self deception saying "well, as long as I don't eat too much..." or "eh, I don't really believe that... allergies, bah!"
Comfortable self deception indeed.
Yet frustrating as well, in that when you get fat, when you don't feel good, when you can't think clearly, when you get headaches... all unexplainably... and you go with conventional wisdom (ie, what the doctors say... what the internet says... what your neighbor says) then things are out of your control, it is blamed on an unexplainable other and the responsibility for how you look and feel is given away to convention.
Well, I believe the responsibility to be my own, so that is why I intensely study things out.
Along these same lines (to me) is the question of religion. I was brought up in the LDS faith, though everything was inconsistently followed at home. Dad would say one thing, do another, teach empathetically on one principle or another then do the subtle opposite. So all that was unsettling to say the least. He incidentally is the same way with food he takes tons of vitamins and supplement and then eats what he pleases (sometimes) sometimes he has a really relevant healthy diet.
So at this point, I am going to undertake a concerted study, of religion, of ethics. Because I am tired of not being able to be confident in what I am saying. In some ways I am, and I do know what I am saying... but a lot of the whys are missing and then I can't explain things to my kids so I don't know what to say and they are not getting guidance from me.
I don't know how long this is going to take, but I have to start and see where it leads me. I have to vanquish the fear by studying to be sure...
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