How does the brain work?

Let me pose a question to you... how does the brain work?

I was thinking about that today, going through my shopping and tonight as I went up to help with A's volleyball team.

I have noticed certain things. There was a time when I thought about where I should hold my arms when I was walking, in order to avoid looking weird.

Is that so odd of a thing to think? Well yes if you are someone who is able to walk along with confidence, who's movements come naturally.

I find these kinds of differences fascinating, because of the marked change that I have felt from really anxious about spatial awareness to moving freely, without inhibition.

Having grown up with one awareness and finding myself in another awareness has completely blown me away.

A clear example of what I mean is the difference between how I feel about being out in the middle of a volleyball court with a bunch of little girls, helping them develop volleyball skills and the way that I felt as a high schooler in GYM trying to develop volleyball skills myself.

In high school, for me the difficult thing was focus. It was not that I was disrespectful to the teacher, or that I was dumb. I just had to focus really hard to do simple things. Walk down the hallway, open my locker, read my textbook, listen to the teacher.

My spatial awareness was terrible as well, it would make me nervous to have a lot of people around partially because I was unsure of being able to walk down the hallway with out tripping or even, I realise now, veering around (though this was only a slight feeling).

I really struggled, I tried so hard but it was really difficult for me. One thing that I noticed was that I was dizzy all of the time, another was a sensation of ringing in my ears.

My mom brought me to the doctors but the stuff they gave me didn't work or made me sick. I was depressed, it was awful being in a room with a bunch of my peers and feeling like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Everything swirled in fuzziness, I never felt like I woke up in the morning and I couldn't really sleep at night. It was like my brain wouldn't shut off, I couldn't relax, like I was wired or something.

So volleyball, in high school, was not a pleasant experience. First of all I felt really awkward in my gym shorts. Then although I would pay close attention to the coach, trying to follow what she was explaining to us, I could not "get it" when I stood up to do something.

I could not hit, I could not serve, is there any way that I could possibly be able to "Spike" the ball, there is no way. When I stood there trying to serve a shaky panic would start. I would hold the ball with one hand and then rotate my arm around awkwardly, usually hitting my own hand. The ball would veer around oddly, and all of the girls would laugh, they were NOT kind.

I wonder if my cousin suffered from the same malady because she couldn't get it either. We were the ones who always tried to come up with excuses to avoid gym.

I was always in awe of those people who could easily move through the volleyball routine and the way they could powerfully serve and spike...

Running as well was a really hard thing to do, it was literally painful from the first step. My lungs would cease up, my head would ache, my heart would pound in my ears.

Needless to say, in high school I was considered a complete outcast. I had some friends here and there and the constant companionship of my cousin Pam, but it was still a hard thing to deal with.

Someone might be tempted to say that the anxiety that I felt during volleyball, in high school was caused by an awareness of the other students and their teasing. To some extent that is true.

In another situation, with say, some innocent little kids I should find that I am perfectly at ease, right? They wouldn't have some reason to tease me, or dislike me, being that I am an adult and all and nice.

Well, this has not been the previous case. It has been universally hard for me to speak with, joke around with, relate to, even little kids. It is an odd feeling, a feeling of inferiority to everyone else. Not even being able to stop little kids from doing something that they shouldn't, commanding no authority, garnering no respect.

There is something that is communicated from one person to another, body language I guess, that tells people how to deal with you. If the vibes that you put out are of being unsure of yourself, then others will not listen to you.

I was conceptually aware of this before, but was not able (mostly) to pull out the body language needed to speak with confidence. I was asked one Sunday to substitute in my daughters Sunday School class.

Not wanting to appear selfish I accepted, but inside I was panicking. They gave me the manual and left me in the room with all of these 8 year old kids. So I sat there and the kids immediately knew that I was not in control of the situation.

So they started acting up, teasing each other, randomly standing up to draw on the white board. I mustered my strength and got them to listen, marginally, we got through it but I wouldn't way that I was someone that kids naturally identified with as being in charge.

If I tried to joke around with them, they gave me this look, like... "is there something wrong with you?" So I left my nervous jokes at the door and just tried to get through the lesson, which was a bit disconnected (and not just because I was handed the manual without preparation).

So all of this is me leading up to how I feel most of the time now (not always, there's an explanation but I will save it for later).

When shopping, I can navigate the isles easily not worrying about bumping into something (a big worry before). Plus I am able to joke around with others, holding an engaging conversation on the spot. Not something that I was able to do before, I usually would get my stuff and leave before the panic set in.

I walked into the gym with my daughter, noticing the difference in the feelings that I was having. That the space didn't seem to be enormous, that I didn't feel apprehensive being there, I was comfortable with myself.

Someone passed me the ball and I joked around with them a bit, dashing it back to them with a pop up. I yelled encouraging things to the kids (and they didn't think I was lame).

They listened to me when I made a comment about the need to be aware of who was closer to the ball. Then since the coach of the team didn't need my help right then, I went off to the other net to see what it felt like to play around with the ball a bit.

I popped it up into the air, doing this over and over, I was actually aware of where the ball was going to be, it was easy. I practised serving it, and hitting it with my arms. I actually "Spiked" it!! My muscles are tired... after the practise was over I felt the endorphins running around, it actually felt like a workout for my mind as well.

This is what changed in my life. I eliminated refined foods (I eat only a few select ones), and I eliminated gluten. I also started eating more organic foods and some exotic foods such as goji berries. But I have found that for the most part what makes the difference is normal fruits and vegetables, fats from naturally fed animals and meat from naturally fed (grass fed beef or free range chicken) paying attention to how I prepare the food and avoiding my "triggers."

I avoid judging others based solely on their behavior, their awkwardness, their inabilities.

Football stars, didn't get that way because they are special. People don't have amazing abilities because they are better than everyone else. What they have going for them is that their bodies have different genetics, they react differently to food I guess.

An allergy to gluten is highly genetic as well as other types of tendencies, a lot of people in my family have similar problems to what I have, ADD, depression, even Autistic tendencies. My aunt is manic depressive, a lot of my cousins struggle with ADD, my brothers have ADD. I am not sure about my mom or my sister.

So on the whole I look past awkwardness. What matters to me is the way that a person treats others. I tolerate snobby people to only a small extent, I don't really judge them either, though I find that I am saddened when I run into bad attitudes. I think that even they can have all sorts of factors that explains why they are the way they are.

I am really glad that I found something that makes me feel better, though I still struggle a bit with certain things, sometimes if I get an attack of insecurity, if I am having a hormonal attack or I have ate something I shouldn't have, I have to put more effort into my self confidence and I have to concentrate harder to do simple things. Overall though there is a very noticeable difference due to the fact that I am not dizzy all the time and I usually have a clear head.

The one big thing that makes me sad, is that while trying to discover what was wrong with me, my mom (and family in general) thought I had lost my mind and that I just randomly decided not to eat certain things. That what I think about things is some kind of delusion and my theories are all up in my head. Basically, my mom especially, distrusts anything that I tell her about food or about how I eat.

I cannot help that, she's come around quite a bit since my little niece has problems with gluten as well (clear intestinal problems), its still a hard thing to deal with though, the disbelief. It's fear of change more than anything I think.

~Darn it I ruined the rice again!! (I am always doing that when I get distracted) :D

Love to ya all...

~Strawberry Girl