Yeah so the post of a couple of days ago... not so forgiving of human nature. It stems from this... my feeling of inadequacy.
I know that a lot of my struggles right now stem from my mistakes... mistakes of shortsightedness, marrying too young; mistakes of direction, in what to study (accounting which I believed would provide the most security if I needed to get a job, instead of English where I would have learned the skills that I need for writing), mistakes in laxity, in levity (not hanging around enough with my cousins and others).
I just feel so frustrated, that I went from this one really small choice as a young woman, that led to many many difficult choices that were not easy to deal with. I feel the sense of loss, for having to run to catch up... I've been running for so long. I miss people, hanging out, having fun with my cousins I really miss my cousins.
I went out with some of the ladies in my church (what we call a ward, the sisters in the Relief society) tonight for a send off for our good friend Sunny (who's blog I am linked to). It has been the first time that I have ever gone out with a group of women to chat and eat out together. I have been so isolated! First I was in school, had one kid after another and I have always been poor. I haven't been able to relate to or spend time with a lot people, it felt really good to finally know a group of ladies well enough to be able to go out together, and we all want to hang out together more!! I will be so happy if we do keep it up and happy to at least have planned doing something with Sunny when she gets back from England in December!
There is so much to value in life, I have been so caught up in surviving that I have lost track of somewhat of beauty and wonder. I have valued the beauty of the earth, the verdant green mountains, but my thoughts, exclamations of joy have been so confined. It has all seemed so soul less and pointless, I have felt so dead...
Sometimes life can be lonely... and sometimes good friends are right around the corner.
SG
I know that a lot of my struggles right now stem from my mistakes... mistakes of shortsightedness, marrying too young; mistakes of direction, in what to study (accounting which I believed would provide the most security if I needed to get a job, instead of English where I would have learned the skills that I need for writing), mistakes in laxity, in levity (not hanging around enough with my cousins and others).
I just feel so frustrated, that I went from this one really small choice as a young woman, that led to many many difficult choices that were not easy to deal with. I feel the sense of loss, for having to run to catch up... I've been running for so long. I miss people, hanging out, having fun with my cousins I really miss my cousins.
I went out with some of the ladies in my church (what we call a ward, the sisters in the Relief society) tonight for a send off for our good friend Sunny (who's blog I am linked to). It has been the first time that I have ever gone out with a group of women to chat and eat out together. I have been so isolated! First I was in school, had one kid after another and I have always been poor. I haven't been able to relate to or spend time with a lot people, it felt really good to finally know a group of ladies well enough to be able to go out together, and we all want to hang out together more!! I will be so happy if we do keep it up and happy to at least have planned doing something with Sunny when she gets back from England in December!
There is so much to value in life, I have been so caught up in surviving that I have lost track of somewhat of beauty and wonder. I have valued the beauty of the earth, the verdant green mountains, but my thoughts, exclamations of joy have been so confined. It has all seemed so soul less and pointless, I have felt so dead...
Sometimes life can be lonely... and sometimes good friends are right around the corner.
SG
5 comments:
wow, I am speechless at the depth of your thoughts and the capability to write them down and share them with everyone. I think we all have our regrets, things we did when young that have affected our lives, choices we made then that seemed right no longer seem so now. If i could do it all over again I would not have moved out of my country and over seas! but too late to change it now. But I do know that feeling of still running to catch up. Aptly written. Debby
Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter...Don't mind...
And those that mind...Don't matter.
chica you have friends all over the place, remember that...i truly understand the feeling of isolation and being overwhelmed because of the path we took in life...so it's important to remember that every day is a new one and that means there's opportunities abounding. in my unemployment i've felt so lonely because i can't afford to do anything i used to do, so i've reached out for volunteer opportunities, and it's been a huge thing for me. especially as a mom you need to be around your peers and so now it's time to get creative, as i know you are, and let the world around you open your eyes to new possibilities. much love - ecogrrl :)
Thank all so much, your comments have really brightened my day. :D
I'm so glad you came last night. I wish we could've chatted more. It seems we are always trying to get together but life just keeps us so busy sometimes. I look forward to spending some more time with you in December. And don't forget you have a lot of friends, and a lot of people who care about you!
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